DarkJoy Sadness, turned to Loneliness.

July 12, 2010

Is my dream over?

Filed under: lionheart,resurreccion — PrimeraEspada @ 11:51 pm

More than two months have passed and nary a word written.  The truth is that I have started several posts, but never found the time to pen all my thoughts.  Things have changed so frequently.  My mood and state of mind don’t stay still long enough for me to write, and I think I’ve figured out why.  The things I need to express do not fit in this space.

This place was born out of a feeling of anguish and minor self loathing.  I began my journey here because, among other things, I needed to change.  Writing about my darker emotions allowed for some very profound self reflection, and eventual self correction.  Though I am far from my goals for self improvement, I’ve been starting to feel that this part of the road is at an end.  It’s time to move on, at least for a little while.

So, where to from here? A new blog. One that does not carry the stains of the past.  In this new space, I hope to explore my rejuvenated self esteem, as well as some of the upcoming career struggles.  Relationships will still be discussed, but perhaps with less whining.  Something inside me changed a few months ago.  Though I don’t feel impervious to hurt, I’m not nearly as vulnerable.

This probably won’t be the last entry here, but it may be a while before I visit again.  Until then, you can find my written meditations here.

May 11, 2010

My Reality…Is Mine Alone.

Filed under: Drink Of Anguish,lionheart,resurreccion — PrimeraEspada @ 10:03 am

In writing my last entry, I’ve discovered another major piece of my love addiction, possibly the biggest source.  I now realize that I’ve been trying to make up for the sins of my father toward women.  I’ve also realized that it is an impossible burden to carry, nor should I have taken it upon myself to balance the Universe in this way.  I’ve been a coward, unwilling until now, to live my love life as my own, and instead making decisions based on the actions of another, actions from a time I can’t even remember.

My mother doesn’t often tell me stories of things my father did when they were married, but when she does, she always prefaces it by saying that I should not hold it against him.  For whatever reason, she still wants me to build a relationship with him, something that I sincerely have no desire to do.  There is no hate in my heart towards him, but there is no love either.  He is an almost-stranger that I never quite got to know, and trying to do so now would not make me feel any more complete.  Hearing some of his past antics only turns me further away from wanting to know him.  Perhaps I am biased against him, but I know deep down that I will never be able to relate to him.  My mom may have forgiven him, but I can’t.  I would not forgive anyone for that kind of careless and mean spirited behavior.  Hmm…writing those words makes me wonder if I would be as righteous had I not had such a perfect example of just how deep the selfishness of one can wound another.  Maybe not…but that doesn’t matter.  I choose to believe that I would have the same sense of justice (though I would maybe not react as strongly) if my father were a person I could model myself after.

Now it has become clear that my choices in love must be based on what I feel is right for me.  There is no way to undo the past, and certainly no way to undo the misdeeds of another.  All I can do, all I should do, is live according to my own beliefs, evaluating each new scenario on it’s own and not against a ghost from years gone.  In saying this, I do realize that overall, not much will change, in the sense that I feel that I do have a good baseline to work with.  What will change, what has already begun to change, is my approach, my way of interacting with women.  I now know that it is possible to be a nice guy, and still be interesting.  And even better, I have a pretty good idea of how to trigger that all important emotion: attraction.

The brainwashing of our Wonder Year’s culture has come undone.  Thank you, Kevin Arnold, for your perfect display of how not to get the girl.  Taking your inaction and inner angst as a guide of things not to do, I can now continue on the road to becoming a man.  To becoming my own man.

May 9, 2010

Black Heart Inertia.

Filed under: Drink Of Anguish,lionheart,resurreccion — PrimeraEspada @ 12:04 pm

It’s been a while.  Where to begin.  Work has been overwhelming.  Satisfying, but just a little too much to handle alone.  My partner returns from a three week paternity absence this Monday, so things will return to normal.  What follows is an entry I started on the 1st, but could not find the time to pen all the words I needed to speak…here goes.

A year ago this blog was born. My first post was on May 20th, but the events that triggered its creation, the severing of ties between M. and I, happened on May 1st, 2009. After weeks of anguish, I started to look inward, realizing that my failures with respect to dating, and other aspects of life, had as much to do with my own actions as they did with the randomness of life. Thus, I began a journey of self examination and self correction.

I won’t go into too much detail about what the last year has been like. If you’ve been reading this space, you already know. At the heart of my enlightenment is understanding that I’ve had an addiction to love for most of my life. No, I have an addiction to love, period. Admitting this to myself was only the first step. In the last five weeks or so, I think I’ve finally started to get a handle on it. Or I’ve at least learned to acknowledge the times when my thoughts and actions in romance are born out of love addiction, and not necessarily or solely from true feelings.

The way this condition has manifested itself was not through overindulgence, but through over righteousness. Over earnestness. At times excessive neediness. Having no memories of being a family of four, and having witnessed the hurt my mother felt from the actions of my father, I made some rules for myself very early on. Never would I allow myself to be unfaithful. Never would I unecessarily cause a woman pain. I would not talk about how I felt, either early in a relationship or in its twilight, until internally I was already certain of my feelings. There was a time when I felt even having an interest in more than one woman at a time was a violation of this code. My solution to this? Be honest with all of them. It’s not hard to see how things could go wrong for me.

Despite the misguided good intentions, I still managed to stumble into a few healthy and long lasting relationships.  Looking back, I can see where my fear of abandonment consumed me and dictated the responses one can have when we open our hearts and place it at the mercy of someone else.  I was eager to love, and eager to be loved.  Yet I was not fully able to understand and consequently handle the risks involved.  Looking back, I almost feel like a coward.  Or just a love fool.  Likely both.

The year of 2009, and the early part of this year, was filled with ups and downs.  The downs however, were completely avoidable in retrospect.  M. and Jane were trouble almost from the start.  Emotional loose cannons and walking train wrecks, I got on board under the illusions that I could tame the beast, or ride the wave, or whatever fucking metaphor fits.  My superman complex at it’s finest.  After falling victim to their games two times each, I’ve started to really understand the nature of my weakness.  And with this knowledge, I’ve been able to…let go of the rules I once created for myself.  The prison I once trapped myself in has been deconstructed, and the views I have on romance are being rebuilt.  It feels nice to be free, and to feel the freshness of a new perspective.  I’ve taken care not to allow myself to become jaded.  After all, “…it’s not [just] love, but the will to love that counts”.  I still want the things I have always wanted, but I’m now wise enough to know how I should go about getting it.

I only now realized that I never wrote about the end of my feelings for Jane.  Too much has happened for me in the last month, and I had discussed the events enough times since they occurred that I don’t feel the need to put them to words.  I do think it’s important to put those words to this space, for the sake of completeness.  And to serve as a reminder of the vital lesson learned.

My previous entry talked of Jane’s now famous flakiness.  She seemed genuinely guilty to have let me down the way she did, and seemed eager to make up for it.  She insisted we get together the following Thursday (April 15th).  Because I had the possibility of working late that night, I told her that I’d be able to confirm sometime the day of, which she was okay with.  I finally messaged her early that afternoon to let her know I’d be free for the evening.  Somehow in the 14 hours since our last conversation, around 10pm the previous night, she managed to make other plans, and not tell me about it.  I have trouble believing she would not have done the same thing if our plans had been set in stone.  I shrugged it off, and simply told her we can get together some other time.  In any case, two days later would be her birthday dinner, and I’d see her then.

When Saturday afternoon came around, Jane called me to “make sure you’re still alive”, and to confirm whether or not I’d be attending her birthday dinner.  I could sense she had something else she wanted to tell me, but never pressed her.  Arriving at the restaurant, I took a seat between two of her family friends, and near her mother, who I was meeting for the first time.  The guests arrived in a staggered manner, and eventually she kept three seats open next to her.  Eventually two of her friends, and another guy, DL, showed up and took the remaining seats.  DL took the spot next to her.  When she introduced him to me…I immediately sensed something…unpleasant.  That feeling only grew as other micro events took place over the course of the night.  First he’d place his arm around her chair.  Then he’d take bite of the slice of birthday cake that the resto offered her (this action was poorly covered up by her then passing the plate around to the twenty other guests at the table).  Throughout all of this, her body language was uncomfortable, which only suggested that she felt she had something to conceal.

Later a few of us went to a bar to continue the celebration, DL included.  I spent most of the night talking with the friends she had made during her very brief time in school.  At one point Jane and DL disappeared to the dance floor, but not before casually holding hands, sharing an embrace, and eventually a few kisses.  By the end of the night, they were ferociously making out just a few feet away from me.  I never allowed myself to show a reaction, or to appear as if I had noticed.  I wondered how long this thing had been going on.  Up until two days prior, she was acting as though she wanted to reconnect.  I suspect the last day she broke plans with me was the day they first hooked up.  I only wonder what she had told her friends about it all.  None of them seemed surprised that they were together, yet they were all fully aware of the short history between Jane and I.  My guess is they knew there’d be a potentially awkward situation having me there that night.  It would have been nice to have been warned as well.

I’ve realized that I can’t expect decent behavior from this one, not even in the context of friendship.  I saw her the next day at River’s Edge, and she greeted me as if nothing could possibly have been wrong.  I thought about confronting her maturely, but it then dawned on me that she is so wrapped up in her own perfect storm that she cannot see consequences her actions have on others she claims to be dear to her.  It would not be worth it.  Nor would it be worth it, or healthy for me to continue to trying to carry the friendship.  In that moment, I simply let go.  Whatever was holding me to her all this time finally gave way.  Finally, it was over, with no possibility of returning.

Since then Jane has sent me a few texts, most of which I have ignored.  Some asked if I were avoiding her.  When I did reply, all I would tell her was that I have no reason to avoid her and I’ve been busy.  Her last text asked if I would be available to help her move on July 1st.  The nerve of this girl.  I ignored the first message, and when she followed up to ask if I’d received her previous text, and to ask why I’ve been so busy, I replied:

“I got your text.  I’ve been busy with work because my partner is away for a few weeks, and I’ve been busy socially because I’ve made a few new friends recently.  I’m not sure I’ll be able to help you move, I have a few friends also moving and they’ve all asked for my help”.  All she wrote back was, “Ok”.

Since then it’s been radio silence between us, and I have to admit that I’m happy about that.  Very little good has come from our association, and I no longer want to be dragged into her madness.

So that, in a very large nutshell, is what the last month has been about.  There is still a very major story to tell, which touches a lot on the first part of this post, but I will save that for a separate entry…which I’ll hopefully write today.

April 10, 2010

Paradigm Shift.

Filed under: Drink Of Anguish,lionheart — PrimeraEspada @ 2:24 pm

Even in friendship, the games continue.  Even with her life beginning to sort itself, Jane’s actions are still erratic and marred by selfishness.  I can’t say I’m really surprised, but I’m glad I’ve stopped living my life in a holding pattern, waiting for her to grant me clearance.

We talked earlier this week, just to catch each other up on our recent lives.  We eventually talked of our weekend plans, she stating that she had none at the time.  I told her of my friend’s band being in town for a show on Saturday night, and invited her to come along.  She accepted, and then suggested we make an evening of it, by making dinner and then having me play guitar for her.  Not exactly friends-only activities, but I didn’t object.  Perhaps she simply wanted to test the waters between us, or perhaps she didn’t quite realize the romantic implications of her ideas.  Or maybe she was just in one of those dreamy moods.  Regardless, I was up for a nice casual evening.  It would allow me to really test the validity of the recent feelings (those based in friendship) I’ve been having towards her.

Over the next couple of days, we texted each other, either just little updates on what’s been going on, or to cement plans for our “date”.  This morning she sent me another message, riddled with excuses.  Paraphrasing, “Hey, I’m a dumbass, I drank way too much last night.  A 5 a 7 turned into a 5 a 3, and now I’m so sick!  Can we rain check? Maybe tomorrow after church we can do something?”.  One of the many problems with this is that it is entirely believable, and consistent with her recent unreliable behavior.

I once read something from a somewhat famous dating advice guru that when a woman tries to flake on you, for whatever reason (except of course for the very serious ones), you should just not respond.  In the moment, part of what they are feeling is anxiety towards the date or meeting for any number of reasons.  And when they do flake, the tension is only increased because they may worry about how you will react.  It’s important to send the message that these kinds of actions won’t be tolerated or taken lightly.  By responding too quickly or too kindly, you give away just a little too much power, and set a precedence for this to happen again in the future.  Sadly I’ve probably already done this with her at some point in the past.  That was when I was still under her spell.  This time however, I’m acting a little more consistently with how I’d react if any of my friends did something similar.  I won’t respond before the time we had set to meet.  And if she doesn’t try to contact me again, I’ll let her know that this was unacceptable behavior between friends.  When she’s ready to be serious about friendship, she knows how to reach me.

One thing that will make it easy to turn down Jane’s proposition to meet tomorrow is that I actually have plans for the afternoon and evening.  Part of the reason I packed two meetings in the same day was because of the plans I made with her.  My first meet is with a friend I had not seen in about a year.  The second, more interesting one, is with a girl (a doctor apparently), let’s call her Serah, that I met while out for a friend’s bachelor party last week.  Coffee and dessert (actual coffee), and maybe a drink afterwards.  From the emails we’ve exchanged during the week, she seems like a nice enough girl.  Nice enough to create a strong contrast against a certain someone who’s less together.

And the Wild Rose?  She’s supposed to be writing her last paper for the semester (pursuing her second Master’s, this one in Information Studies), so we haven’t had much contact since our last encounter.  I’d like to see more of her, and I sensed she felt the same way.  I won’t, however, assume anything.  Unless I receive clear signs from any prospect, I won’t restrict myself (I think i’ve typed these exact words before).

Jane.  I once called you my SweetSpirit, my Grand Prize.  For a while, you have not been the girl I expected you to be.  Perhaps you’ve changed, or perhaps I was wearing rose colored lenses.  Either way, what I once saw as a certain future is starting to feel like a mere possibility.  I still have those feelings in my heart, but they are hard to locate, now nowhere near the surface.

I’ll see you when I see you.

April 8, 2010

Wild Rose

Filed under: resurreccion — PrimeraEspada @ 1:05 am

A little over a week ago, I sent a message to a girl that I’d only seen face to face three times in the last year and a half, two of which saw us making out (both times at a new year’s eve party).  I asked her out, and after a few email exchanges, we decided to meet last Sunday.  Neither of us knew what to expect, but the memory of our previous intense encounters had set the bar high.

A cup of coffee later, I invited her to hang out at my apartment.  We talked over a glass of Crown Royal, about nothing in particular.  Careers, school, music, etc.  Not much later, Minx says, “I think this’ll be an early night.  I enjoy hanging with you but I was up until five last night and want to get some rest”.  I took that as code for, “Okay, we’ve talked enough.  Time to make your move.”  So after a few more minutes of conversation, I casually put my glass on the side table and moved in closer to her.  I gently rubbed her thigh, looking deep into her eyes, our faces inches away from each other.

She made a slight gesture towards me, as if to kiss me, then stopped herself.  Knowing I had won the standoff, I moved in to kiss her.  Once again, the passion between us burst into white hot flames.  Moments later she was straddled on top of me, grinding her hips.  She caressed my face as I held her waist.  It soon became apparent that things were not going to slow down any time soon.  I stood up, with her still in my arms, and walked back to my bedroom.

What took place next can only be described as complete and unrestricted indulgence.  We tore into each other with such ferocity and aggression, pain serving only to heighten the pleasure.  As far as first sexual encounters have gone for me, this one easily ranks as number one.  In terms of absolute best?  Well, it’s certainly too early to say.  But the way we get it on definitely has the potential to bump the current top spot placeholder.

In between rounds (yes we went at it more than once), we lay in my bed, talking.  At one point a game of shadow puppets took place.  Something about it all felt overly fantastical, like the first half of 500 Days of Summer (except that I’m much more confident in my approach to women).  When we finally reengaged, we instinctively held each other so tight, desperately throwing our hips at each other.  Eventually we reached climax again, and the intensity slowly died down.  Again we lay there, talking about anything, smiling on the inside and out.  This felt good.  This felt great.

Eventually we started to get dressed, kissing as each piece of clothing went on.  ”Just because I’m getting dressed doesn’t mean you have to!”, she says with a smile.  ”Well…you’re time is up.  You’ll have to pay extra for more”.  Back in the living room, we converse a little more.  She plays around with my belongings, reading chapters of my personality with each item she grabs.  She doesn’t falter as I take a few photos of her charming investigation.

Now standing at my entry way, not quite ready to go, we embrace each other tightly.  A few more kisses and she’s out the door.  ”Have a good night”, she says with a smile the size of the moon.  I smile back, and wish her the same.

Even now I’m not sure what to make of this.  There’s no question that we like each other, yet I have my doubts as to whether or not anything will continue.  There has been so much time in between each time we’ve met, I wonder how long it will be before we see each other again.  Of course, control is now in my hands.  There’s no reason not to think that anything is possible between us.

And to answer the burning question…what of Jane?  We’ve been in regular communication since our most recent split.  Though she said we can only be friends, I hear more than that in her words when she talks to me.  There is more than that in her eyes when she looks at me.  However…I am in control now.  Regardless of what situation she and I may find ourselves in, I think I’m certain that I don’t want to start anything more between us now…friendship is the way forward, to whatever end awaits us.

And as for Minx, the Wild Rose, I’m surprised by her charm.  One comforting thought is that, as much as I know I feel for Jane deep down…were it not to work out, I would still be happy knowing that someone like Minx exists.  More than one road is open before me…which one shall I take?

March 29, 2010

Hollow World (Hueco Mondo, Part II).

Filed under: Drink Of Anguish,lionheart,resurreccion — PrimeraEspada @ 12:29 am

Jane.  In all the time I’ve known you, nearly eight months, we were only together for six weeks.  Only three of those were truly stable.  Rationally, there is no reason for me to feel the way I do.  We did our little dance and it just didn’t work out.  It’s way past the time to say sayonara, and walk away.

Yesterday afternoon I had a long conversation with my mother.  As much as I’ve been writing about my feelings this past week, I needed to hear a voice of reason and wisdom.  At first she seemed to be telling me things she thought I wanted to hear. “If this is how you feel, then follow your heart”.  No, I want you to tell me what you think, I don’t need you to reinforce what’s already in my head.  By trying to tear down my point of view, my resolve and convictions will either hold fast…or crumble.  ”Something doesn’t seem right with the whole situation.  From what you say she seems like a nice girl, but she also seems very lost, or emotionally unstable.  At times irrational”.  Thank you, that’s much better.

At the end of it all, my reckless determination was left intact.  ”I knew the second time we were together that she would be the mother of my children”.  That left my mom stunned.  I don’t know if she’s ever heard me speak with such conviction before, about anything.  Still I took her advice.  Keep walking my path, keep my heart out of it.  Friendship with Jane is the only way forward for many reasons.  Over time, I know that she and I can’t just be friends.  It will either fully blossom, or it will wilt.  It was clear from the start there is no in-between.  And so, I move on…

I had another important conversation this weekend, if email exchange can be considered conversation.  Back in November, I had a realization regarding my most important relationship so far (see end of the post titled Circle of  Confusion).  After ending things with E., I never really took time to try to understand the feelings she expressed during our breakup.  After almost two years I began to see just how hurtful some of my actions and words were to her.  I felt that I had been experiencing them to some degree in my relationships since then.

I was hesitant to share these thoughts with her.  I told myself that she is happy now, and that she probably did not need me to bring up the past.  During the sermon I heard last week however, the speaker mentioned, among other things, that it isn’t enough to simply recognize the wrongs you’ve done.  To truly be good, one must atone for them.  It wasn’t enough for me to know that I had hurt her more than I realized, I had to at least try to tell her.  If I really see myself as a just and noble person, I have to behave noble and just.  So, I wrote her an email explaining why I think I failed then to recognize what I was doing wrong, and that I finally came to understand the degree of pain I inflicted.

I was surprised by her email today.  She thanked me for saying the words she needed hear.  The rejection I dealt her out of fear was something that she felt still scarred her today, and hearing me apologize for those misgivings…helped her as much as it helped me.  I don’t know if that act will improve my romantic karma, but I do feel great that I found the courage to speak.

As for Jane, I pray that she finds the answers she’s desperately looking for.  Or at least that she finds the courage to ask the right questions, or to simply ask for help.  When I think back to the time she first sought me out in January, I can remember thinking that then was probably not the right time, and that we’d only really see each other again in April or May.  For now, I’ll just continue on my way…on my way towards….?

March 28, 2010

Hueco Mondo, Part I.

Filed under: Drink Of Anguish — PrimeraEspada @ 12:17 pm

I’m amazed at how history is repeating itself.  According to my own writing (as previously mentioned), my state of mind now is exactly as it was back in September.  And so is hers.  I’m stunned, broken, and unable to see what is to come next.  She’s overwhelmed with anxiety and wants only friendship.  And again, we crashed head first into each other trying ignite our flame.

Going further into my past for a minute, I was always at some point in a relationship able to see with near clairvoyant ability where things were heading.  With E., it took some time to really feel out what our ultimate end was to going to be.  For years I hovered in between happily ever after and not written in the stars.  After certain events, certain not so minor disappointments, I sensed that we just weren’t right for each other.  Our bond was healthy, but not quite inspired.  I never got to a point where I felt comfortable talking about a future.  Nor was I ever able to visualize us building a life together.  I took that last point as a sign that she was not the one for me, and I not the one for her.  The relationship eventually dissolved.

Before E., there was Vixen.  Our first coming together was back in high school, between grade ten and eleven.  Another short and overly intense union that ended in confusion.  We lost touch for a few years and reconnected in university.  At that time she was in a long term relationship, but that did little to stop us from flirting inappropriately with one another.  After coming dangerously close to an affair, we pulled away from each other.  She went her way and I went mine, our goal being to leave past feelings buried.  Nearly a year later that effort proved to be futile.  We didn’t sleep together until she broke up with her then boyfriend, but all the time we spent together up until that point was tainted in infidelity.  It must have been obvious to everyone but us that we were playing a dangerous game.  Just before she ended her relationship of three years, I had again pulled away from her.  I felt that we were not meant to be together then, and that we should wait to pursue whatever existed between us when we were both single.

Days later she told me that she was now single. When I asked her why she decided to leave her boyfriend, she said she didn’t want regret missing the opportunity we had.  And so we dated for six months.  It was heavy.  Not only did we spend a lot of our time outside classes together, in the library or at the school bar, but we also had four out of six classes together.  And two projects that we decided to group up for.  Though we’d known each other for a long time (over eight years, on and off), that was just a little too much to demand so early in a relationship.  Not to mention the fact that her ex was doing his best to paint a negative picture of me.  Between the excessive course load, the games of her ex, the drama between her and my then closest friends, and at some points my harsh and controlling behavior towards her, our union collapsed on itself.  I can still remember quite clearly that last conversation we had in my mom’s car, in a parking lot near her grandparents house, where we used to have sex.  A parking lot that is oddly enough, right next to where I now work.  After all the drama of our time together, she just couldn’t see the kind of future I seemed to want.

I knew then that I was never going to be close to her again.  That was it, that was all the stars had written for us.  We were almost doomed from the start, but we were always drawn to one another, over and over, until we met our final end.  After that, she went back to her ex for few months, then broke up.  And then she dated a good friend of mine for three years (a friend that I had confided in several times about how broken up I’d been about my relationship with her).  She’s now happily married to someone who seems to be good for her.  Though I had eventually moved on and started dating other girls, the feelings I had for Vixen remained in my heart for years.  It wasn’t until after my time with E. that I felt I had truly let go.  I have never experienced the kind of feelings I had for Vixen with anyone else.

And then Jane came along.

March 25, 2010

Storm Before The Calm.

Filed under: Drink Of Anguish,Stormy Weather,lionheart — PrimeraEspada @ 11:43 pm

I’m having trouble understanding my current feelings.  The mood changes more frequently than the winds, and each one is as fleeting as a cool breeze on a summer evening.  I have no idea where I am.  But I think I know where I’m going.

I’ve been looking over a lot of my posts, the ones made between September and now.  Surprisingly, I’ve at times found rereading my past thoughts comforting.  They serve as a reminder that I’ve been through it all before, and that I have survived.  I can relax somewhat knowing that, with patience, I will be just fine.  At other times, they only make me feel worse.  They paint an overly vivid picture of my state of mind during some of my more emotionally trying periods.  As I consume my words, a veil of darkness rolls in, encasing me in solitude, that all too familiar durance.

I can’t seem to figure out how I’m supposed to feel.  The current situation between you know who and I…doesn’t feel wrong.  I know that there is no other way for it to be right now.  I can’t even imagine what the last few days would have been like had she not had her change of heart.  In my mind there is no alternative. Perhaps last week was only meant to refresh the memories of last August.  I feel as if I have wholeheartedly accepted that the timing of it all was completely off, but I also sense that it was not a week without purpose.  I actually feel excited about the idea of building a friendship.  It means getting to know a person without the pressure and responsibility of a relationship.  All of my lasting, if ultimately unsuccessful, relationships have started out that way.

Another oddity among my emotions is that…I am certain it will work out.  In time.  I can see beyond the finish line and the joys that await.  And undoubtedly the challenges that will be there too.  There’s no question in my heart that she is mine, and I am hers.  And one thing that I learned last week is that she and I have always had similar feelings.  She may not be able to see romance with me now.  But she has said those exact words before (yay for saved chat logs).  She’ll come around.

In the mean time, I’ll just be all that I can be.  Or just be.  I’m no longer worried.

March 23, 2010

This is….the end…?

Filed under: Drink Of Anguish,lionheart — PrimeraEspada @ 7:25 pm

It’s been a while since my last post, longer than I would have liked.  The events of the last eleven days were quite a roller coaster, changing too fast for me to take a moment to write about them.  Things rose to a point where I started to feel a strong sense of completeness.  I started to feel as though, maybe, just maybe, I would have no more need for this space.  I began to feel that sadness and loneliness were no longer going to be a part of my life.  The subsequent crashing down was a hard blow.

On Sunday March 14th, I woke up and went to church for the first time in years.  I was very nervous about the whole experience, not knowing what to expect.  I sent Jane a text about an hour before to let her know I was coming.  No reply.  After minor battery trouble, I got in my car and drove.  For some reason, the directions I had read were not accurate, and so I got lost.  After driving back and forth for a bit, I eventually found the place.  However, at this point it felt as though something was telling me I was not meant to be there that day.  I walked in to the service already in progress, others still streaming in behind me.  Before me was a room filled with hundreds of people, mostly young families around my age, taking in the incredible live music.   I scanned the room quickly, but found no sign of her, so I took a seat near the back, and took in the experience.

The gatherings at River’s Edge are unlike anything I’ve experienced before.  Their slogan, “Real not Religious”, is a strong one that I can relate to.  Spirituality has always been a big part of my life, and that day, I felt as though I had found a possible medium to further my journey.  The sermons are delivered in such a way as to be much more applicable to our current day.  I can easily see myself attending regularly.

Near the end of the service, Jane finally responded. “Today of all days, I went out last night, and got pretty drunk.  How are you liking it?”.  We exchanged several texts over the next few hours.  She was glad that I finally decided to attend.  I would have liked to have shared my first experience there with her, but it just didn’t turn out that way.  At this point I felt that I had done all that I could to resurrect a dying relationship.  There was nothing more to do.

The next day, in the late afternoon, I got a msg from her.  ”I don’t see you on my MSN.  I didn’t delete you? Did you delete me?”.  I hadn’t, but I had blocked and unblocked her several times over the last few weeks.  Even when we’re apart and not speaking, there’s just so much drama between us.  A few minutes later we were in conversation. Immediately she apologized for the way our last chat went.  She realized it was wrong of her to try to force or expect me to feel the way she does about God.  I also apologized for reacting a little too defensively.  I then said that I was surprised to hear from her so soon, that I felt she would want more time to think.  ”No, no more thinking.  This was the sign I needed to see.  All of my boyfriends from the past would promise to do this, but they never did.  I’m glad that you went on your own.”  I had realized that what she wanted was simply to avoid entering another relationship in which she found herself unable to share her feelings about God and faith with the person she was with.  I had told her several times that I was always open to that, and the only thing keeping me from making myself a part of that was my Sunday morning family obligations.  I told her that for now, I wanted to attend at least once a month, and eventually regularly as my life allowed.

Over the next few days, we had many discussions about our feelings for each other, the kind of relationship we wanted to work towards, the kind of life we wanted to build.  We both admitted that no matter how much we both tried, it always felt impossible to push the other out of our lives.  There was just something too strong pulling us together, and we are all but powerless to resist.  It was around this point that I started to feel Joy take over my inner emotions.  It was also around this point that, in hindsight, we were blinded by excessive optimism.  The greatest aspect of our dynamic is the extreme level of comfort we feel with when around each other.  We both feel no need to play games or keep secrets.  We can just be ourselves, and the other will accept if not adore our behavior.  It is an aspect not without pitfalls, for sometimes we tend to leap ahead of ourselves, trying to make the present what we want the future to be.  If there was a way to do it again (or if we found ourselves in this situation down the road), I would make sure we start over as friends.  Start from zero, no expectations and no dreams of what we want things to be like.  The only goal would be to let things take their natural course.

A mutual friend had organized a going away dinner on Saturday night, so Jane and I decided to get together on the Friday.  To talk, face to face.  It had been a little over six months since we been in each other’s presence, or heard each other’s voice.  We were both nervous from the anticipation.  When she opened the door to let me in though, I felt what I had felt before.  Our first hug was first intense, and then relaxing.  It felt good.

We didn’t get to spend as much time alone as I wanted.  First her family joined us for dinner that she prepared.  And later we went to meet her best friend for a drink.  It was a very fun night, including the pre-goodnight makeout session, but I would have much preferred spending time alone with her just talking, listening to music.  As much as we’ve felt comfortable in the past, after six months apart, there will be an adjustment period.  The energies between us would need time to synchronize.

Saturday was the group dinner.  A nice little French resto downtown, followed by wholesome fun at a nearby bar.  There’s not much to say about that night.  She and I talked here and there, exchanged a few glances and kisses, took part in the conversation with everyone.  Business as usual, and overall a great time.  We shared a good night kiss just as she got into her friends car.  Smiles all around.

The next day, Sunday, was where things degraded.  A friend and I had gone again to church.  Jane had invited us because a gospel choir was performing, which doesn’t happen often, and she wanted to share that with me.  I arrived before she, and when she came to sit down next to me, she greeted me with a single kiss on the cheek.  Immediately an alarm inside me flickered.  I decided not to make much of it for the time being.  We’d had a rough night, and I certainly felt hung over.  Perhaps it was nothing.

After the service, we all decided to go for brunch.  We didn’t have much time because Jane and her friend had an appointment to see an apartment they were looking to rent.  As we waited in line to be seated, I noticed her reluctance to stand near me.  Or to make eye contact.  Or to make any sort of conversation with me directly.  I told myself she was probably anxious about the time frame, and that these inactions were likely subconscious.  In any case I wasn’t really looking to be affectionate.

When it came time to pay, three of us had cash, and my friend needed to pay by card.  Since Jane and her friend were in a rush, they decided to leave ahead of us.  She came in for a hug, and then kissed me on both cheeks.  ”Talk to you later”, with a half smile.  As soon as they walked out the door, I turned to my friend and said, “Something is off, between her and I”, “What? She’s probably just stressed about the apartment…”, “No, I know her well enough.  Something’s changed in her…”

Hours later, at home watching t.v., I got a text. “I have to talk to you about something and it’s not so great :( “.  I fucking knew it.  We had a twenty minute conversation where she explained to me that her feelings we just not what she expected them to be.  She said that she knew in her heart that her feelings don’t match what she sees on my face when I look at her (I never realized I was quite that transparent).  She said that she knows that she sees no romance for us now, or ever.

She was the one who insisted on talking about the future so soon, she was the one was being openly affectionate.  She was the one who said, “I love you”, in the booth of the dimly lit bar.  I of course reciprocated, but I was not the one to initiate.  She was the one coming on strong.

Once again, just as she did last September, she asked to be friends.  ”I care about you very much, but as a friend.  I know now that I don’t have romantic feelings for you, I know I must seem like a yo yo.  I’m sorry to hurt you like this.”  Again, I added.  She didn’t like that.  I didn’t really care.

I felt terribly burned that night.  When I think back to our Saturday night good bye and then to our Sunday morning hello, I just can’t figure out what could have happened in between.  She claimed that she felt that things were off the whole weekend we hung out, and that she couldn’t sleep from the anxiety (another repeat of last September).  I admit that things weren’t quite as expected, but that should be normal when we haven’t seen each other in six long months.

She may be right about her lack of romantic feelings toward me.  Maybe.  I sense that the other anxieties of her life are again interfering, this time the source being her lack of direction after quitting school and the difficulties of landing a job.  I don’t doubt that things between us felt different for her, but after all that we’ve been through, I find it hard to believe that she can so conclusively and so suddenly know without doubt that she feels nothing for me.

Regardless of the reason, and regardless of whether or not she is truly being honest with herself, it’s clear that this situation was never meant to work out.  Not now at any rate.  I eventually accepted her request for friendship.  When I woke up Monday morning, I didn’t feel angry towards her, nor did I feel the need to escape.  Instead I just wanted to do what seems the most natural at this point.  Keep her in my life, as a friend.  Romance is not possible right now, and may never again be.  After all the ups and downs, I know that this is the only way to go forward.  I’m not holding out hope for something more, nor am I trying to forget her.  She must be in my life for a reason.  So I’ll let God, or the Universe, play this hand out, and I will take part in whatever way I’m meant to.  What will be…will be.

“I truly thought you were the one I was waiting for, the one I put all the other girls aside for.  This may still be the case, but I know that now isn’t the time.  I’m not going to force a situation to manifest before it’s time.  The Universe, God, will take care of me, and hopefully you too.  I love you, and wish you well, dear Kat.  Be brave, and have faith.”

I was numb for a couple of days, but today, after many hours of sleep (I have the flu, I think), I’m starting to feel again.  I don’t think I’ll have any desire to get close to someone again for a while, but that’s okay.  Now doesn’t feel like “relationship time” anyway.

What’s important is that I maintain my balance of inner light and dark.  So far…so good, it seems.

March 12, 2010

Fade To White

Filed under: dark rants — PrimeraEspada @ 10:46 pm

A few nights ago I had one of the most disturbing dreams that I’ve had in quite some time.

I was back in high school, playing basketball during lunch, in the gym, just as I used to.  My team was made up of others in my grade, friends who I remember well, but haven’t seen in years.  Our opposition consisted mostly of the older, taller kids.  Though they should have had an easy time beating us, we had only lost the game by eight points.  Thirty-eight to thirty.  It felt like a victory.

When the game ended, we all stood around congratulating each other, saying things like “good game”, and, “we’ll get you next time”.  Suddenly, a loud, deafening sound shook the entire building.  It felt like the mother of all earthquakes combined with the thunderous roar of a rocket taking off.  Though the vibrations were tremendous, nothing seemed to be collapsing or falling over.  A few of us ran to the nearest exit to take a look outside.  We looked up and saw what looked liked a somewhat futuristic, space shuttle shaped commercial airliner, at least three times the size the largest jets in existence, slowly yet inexorably heading towards the school.

Panic ensued.  The sounds of the engines indicated that the jet had little or no control.  Those around me began running frantically to try and escape the aircraft’s path.  I stood in the doorway for a moment, attempting to ascertain the trajectory and eventual landing point of the craft.  At first it seemed as it would pass over us and to my left, clearing the school.  I began running towards the right.  When I looked up again, the aircraft made a slow and deliberate left turn, and in seconds i found myself staring right at its nose.  This plane was on a mission, it seemed, to destroy me and anyone else in the vicinity.

I headed back towards the school and into the gymnasium.  I did not believe there to be enough time to get out of harm’s way, but I had to try.  As I was making it to the back exit of the gym, I could hear the plane crash devastatingly into the ground.  I turned to look behind me and saw the mammoth right wing and right nacelle crash through the building’s wall.  Micro explosions took place as I watched the building shatter around me.  I stood still knowing it futile to try to survive.  As disaster rolled toward me, my vision faded to white.  I had died.  Everything stopped.

Seconds after the white blindness took over, I awoke, covered in sweat.  My heart was pounding but I wasn’t out of breath.  Wtf was that, I asked myself.  I got up to use the bathroom, then lay in bed for a while.  I eventually turned on my iPod to help get back to sleep.

This was the most vivid dream I had had in a very long time.  I can still recall every scene and every emotion clearly.  Later that day I looked up dream interpretations on what I felt were the most prevalent aspects of the nightmare (taken from dreammoods.com).

Victory:  To dream of victory over something, suggests that you are in need of some motivation or confidence in your abilities. Sometimes you need to imagine or visualize success before actually achieving it.

Sport:  To dream that you are playing a sport, signifies the learning of rules, talents, and the achieving of your goals. It also highlights the importance of cooperation, harmony, and teamwork. You need to be more of a “sport”. Alternatively, it represents your attitudes about sex as an aggressive act.

Disaster:  To dream that you are in a disaster, represents your personal anxieties and fears of change. You are afraid of not knowing what is in store for you in the future.

Die:  To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind.

White:  White represents purity, perfection, peace, innocence, dignity, cleanliness, awareness, and new beginnings. You may be experiencing a reawakening or have a fresh outlook on life.

What a collection of conflicting emotions, all of which I feel I’ve been experiencing recently, both professionally and in my (lack of a) romantic life.  The sources of anxiety are easy to identify, the largest one being the uncertainty of what the future holds.  My ability to sense what is coming, or to sense whether or not something  is coming seems to be out of order.  I can’t tell where I’m supposed to go, or what action I need to take.  I could argue that fear is overwhelming me and clouding my judgement, but…it seems as though there may be more to it than that.

I don’t like this feeling, but one thing is certain.  There is no way out of here.  Not any time soon.

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