DarkJoy

More than two months have passed and nary a word written.  The truth is that I have started several posts, but never found the time to pen all my thoughts.  Things have changed so frequently.  My mood and state of mind don’t stay still long enough for me to write, and I think I’ve figured out why.  The things I need to express do not fit in this space.

This place was born out of a feeling of anguish and minor self loathing.  I began my journey here because, among other things, I needed to change.  Writing about my darker emotions allowed for some very profound self reflection, and eventual self correction.  Though I am far from my goals for self improvement, I’ve been starting to feel that this part of the road is at an end.  It’s time to move on, at least for a little while.

So, where to from here? A new blog. One that does not carry the stains of the past.  In this new space, I hope to explore my rejuvenated self esteem, as well as some of the upcoming career struggles.  Relationships will still be discussed, but perhaps with less whining.  Something inside me changed a few months ago.  Though I don’t feel impervious to hurt, I’m not nearly as vulnerable.

This probably won’t be the last entry here, but it may be a while before I visit again.  Until then, you can find my written meditations here.

Posted in: lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
1 Comment

In writing my last entry, I’ve discovered another major piece of my love addiction, possibly the biggest source.  I now realize that I’ve been trying to make up for the sins of my father toward women.  I’ve also realized that it is an impossible burden to carry, nor should I have taken it upon myself to balance the Universe in this way.  I’ve been a coward, unwilling until now, to live my love life as my own, and instead making decisions based on the actions of another, actions from a time I can’t even remember.

My mother doesn’t often tell me stories of things my father did when they were married, but when she does, she always prefaces it by saying that I should not hold it against him.  For whatever reason, she still wants me to build a relationship with him, something that I sincerely have no desire to do.  There is no hate in my heart towards him, but there is no love either.  He is an almost-stranger that I never quite got to know, and trying to do so now would not make me feel any more complete.  Hearing some of his past antics only turns me further away from wanting to know him.  Perhaps I am biased against him, but I know deep down that I will never be able to relate to him.  My mom may have forgiven him, but I can’t.  I would not forgive anyone for that kind of careless and mean spirited behavior.  Hmm…writing those words makes me wonder if I would be as righteous had I not had such a perfect example of just how deep the selfishness of one can wound another.  Maybe not…but that doesn’t matter.  I choose to believe that I would have the same sense of justice (though I would maybe not react as strongly) if my father were a person I could model myself after.

Now it has become clear that my choices in love must be based on what I feel is right for me.  There is no way to undo the past, and certainly no way to undo the misdeeds of another.  All I can do, all I should do, is live according to my own beliefs, evaluating each new scenario on it’s own and not against a ghost from years gone.  In saying this, I do realize that overall, not much will change, in the sense that I feel that I do have a good baseline to work with.  What will change, what has already begun to change, is my approach, my way of interacting with women.  I now know that it is possible to be a nice guy, and still be interesting.  And even better, I have a pretty good idea of how to trigger that all important emotion: attraction.

The brainwashing of our Wonder Year’s culture has come undone.  Thank you, Kevin Arnold, for your perfect display of how not to get the girl.  Taking your inaction and inner angst as a guide of things not to do, I can now continue on the road to becoming a man.  To becoming my own man.

Posted in: Drink Of Anguish, lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
2 Comments

It’s been a while.  Where to begin.  Work has been overwhelming.  Satisfying, but just a little too much to handle alone.  My partner returns from a three week paternity absence this Monday, so things will return to normal.  What follows is an entry I started on the 1st, but could not find the time to pen all the words I needed to speak…here goes.

–

A year ago this blog was born. My first post was on May 20th, but the events that triggered its creation, the severing of ties between M. and I, happened on May 1st, 2009. After weeks of anguish, I started to look inward, realizing that my failures with respect to dating, and other aspects of life, had as much to do with my own actions as they did with the randomness of life. Thus, I began a journey of self examination and self correction.

I won’t go into too much detail about what the last year has been like. If you’ve been reading this space, you already know. At the heart of my enlightenment is understanding that I’ve had an addiction to love for most of my life. No, I have an addiction to love, period. Admitting this to myself was only the first step. In the last five weeks or so, I think I’ve finally started to get a handle on it. Or I’ve at least learned to acknowledge the times when my thoughts and actions in romance are born out of love addiction, and not necessarily or solely from true feelings.

The way this condition has manifested itself was not through overindulgence, but through over righteousness. Over earnestness. At times excessive neediness. Having no memories of being a family of four, and having witnessed the hurt my mother felt from the actions of my father, I made some rules for myself very early on. Never would I allow myself to be unfaithful. Never would I unecessarily cause a woman pain. I would not talk about how I felt, either early in a relationship or in its twilight, until internally I was already certain of my feelings. There was a time when I felt even having an interest in more than one woman at a time was a violation of this code. My solution to this? Be honest with all of them. It’s not hard to see how things could go wrong for me.

Despite the misguided good intentions, I still managed to stumble into a few healthy and long lasting relationships.  Looking back, I can see where my fear of abandonment consumed me and dictated the responses one can have when we open our hearts and place it at the mercy of someone else.  I was eager to love, and eager to be loved.  Yet I was not fully able to understand and consequently handle the risks involved.  Looking back, I almost feel like a coward.  Or just a love fool.  Likely both.

The year of 2009, and the early part of this year, was filled with ups and downs.  The downs however, were completely avoidable in retrospect.  M. and Jane were trouble almost from the start.  Emotional loose cannons and walking train wrecks, I got on board under the illusions that I could tame the beast, or ride the wave, or whatever fucking metaphor fits.  My superman complex at it’s finest.  After falling victim to their games two times each, I’ve started to really understand the nature of my weakness.  And with this knowledge, I’ve been able to…let go of the rules I once created for myself.  The prison I once trapped myself in has been deconstructed, and the views I have on romance are being rebuilt.  It feels nice to be free, and to feel the freshness of a new perspective.  I’ve taken care not to allow myself to become jaded.  After all, “…it’s not [just] love, but the will to love that counts”.  I still want the things I have always wanted, but I’m now wise enough to know how I should go about getting it.

–

I only now realized that I never wrote about the end of my feelings for Jane.  Too much has happened for me in the last month, and I had discussed the events enough times since they occurred that I don’t feel the need to put them to words.  I do think it’s important to put those words to this space, for the sake of completeness.  And to serve as a reminder of the vital lesson learned.

My previous entry talked of Jane’s now famous flakiness.  She seemed genuinely guilty to have let me down the way she did, and seemed eager to make up for it.  She insisted we get together the following Thursday (April 15th).  Because I had the possibility of working late that night, I told her that I’d be able to confirm sometime the day of, which she was okay with.  I finally messaged her early that afternoon to let her know I’d be free for the evening.  Somehow in the 14 hours since our last conversation, around 10pm the previous night, she managed to make other plans, and not tell me about it.  I have trouble believing she would not have done the same thing if our plans had been set in stone.  I shrugged it off, and simply told her we can get together some other time.  In any case, two days later would be her birthday dinner, and I’d see her then.

When Saturday afternoon came around, Jane called me to “make sure you’re still alive”, and to confirm whether or not I’d be attending her birthday dinner.  I could sense she had something else she wanted to tell me, but never pressed her.  Arriving at the restaurant, I took a seat between two of her family friends, and near her mother, who I was meeting for the first time.  The guests arrived in a staggered manner, and eventually she kept three seats open next to her.  Eventually two of her friends, and another guy, DL, showed up and took the remaining seats.  DL took the spot next to her.  When she introduced him to me…I immediately sensed something…unpleasant.  That feeling only grew as other micro events took place over the course of the night.  First he’d place his arm around her chair.  Then he’d take bite of the slice of birthday cake that the resto offered her (this action was poorly covered up by her then passing the plate around to the twenty other guests at the table).  Throughout all of this, her body language was uncomfortable, which only suggested that she felt she had something to conceal.

Later a few of us went to a bar to continue the celebration, DL included.  I spent most of the night talking with the friends she had made during her very brief time in school.  At one point Jane and DL disappeared to the dance floor, but not before casually holding hands, sharing an embrace, and eventually a few kisses.  By the end of the night, they were ferociously making out just a few feet away from me.  I never allowed myself to show a reaction, or to appear as if I had noticed.  I wondered how long this thing had been going on.  Up until two days prior, she was acting as though she wanted to reconnect.  I suspect the last day she broke plans with me was the day they first hooked up.  I only wonder what she had told her friends about it all.  None of them seemed surprised that they were together, yet they were all fully aware of the short history between Jane and I.  My guess is they knew there’d be a potentially awkward situation having me there that night.  It would have been nice to have been warned as well.

I’ve realized that I can’t expect decent behavior from this one, not even in the context of friendship.  I saw her the next day at River’s Edge, and she greeted me as if nothing could possibly have been wrong.  I thought about confronting her maturely, but it then dawned on me that she is so wrapped up in her own perfect storm that she cannot see consequences her actions have on others she claims to be dear to her.  It would not be worth it.  Nor would it be worth it, or healthy for me to continue to trying to carry the friendship.  In that moment, I simply let go.  Whatever was holding me to her all this time finally gave way.  Finally, it was over, with no possibility of returning.

Since then Jane has sent me a few texts, most of which I have ignored.  Some asked if I were avoiding her.  When I did reply, all I would tell her was that I have no reason to avoid her and I’ve been busy.  Her last text asked if I would be available to help her move on July 1st.  The nerve of this girl.  I ignored the first message, and when she followed up to ask if I’d received her previous text, and to ask why I’ve been so busy, I replied:

“I got your text.  I’ve been busy with work because my partner is away for a few weeks, and I’ve been busy socially because I’ve made a few new friends recently.  I’m not sure I’ll be able to help you move, I have a few friends also moving and they’ve all asked for my help”.  All she wrote back was, “Ok”.

Since then it’s been radio silence between us, and I have to admit that I’m happy about that.  Very little good has come from our association, and I no longer want to be dragged into her madness.

–

So that, in a very large nutshell, is what the last month has been about.  There is still a very major story to tell, which touches a lot on the first part of this post, but I will save that for a separate entry…which I’ll hopefully write today.

Posted in: Drink Of Anguish, lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
2 Comments

A little over a week ago, I sent a message to a girl that I’d only seen face to face three times in the last year and a half, two of which saw us making out (both times at a new year’s eve party).  I asked her out, and after a few email exchanges, we decided to meet last Sunday.  Neither of us knew what to expect, but the memory of our previous intense encounters had set the bar high.

A cup of coffee later, I invited her to hang out at my apartment.  We talked over a glass of Crown Royal, about nothing in particular.  Careers, school, music, etc.  Not much later, Minx says, “I think this’ll be an early night.  I enjoy hanging with you but I was up until five last night and want to get some rest”.  I took that as code for, “Okay, we’ve talked enough.  Time to make your move.”  So after a few more minutes of conversation, I casually put my glass on the side table and moved in closer to her.  I gently rubbed her thigh, looking deep into her eyes, our faces inches away from each other.

She made a slight gesture towards me, as if to kiss me, then stopped herself.  Knowing I had won the standoff, I moved in to kiss her.  Once again, the passion between us burst into white hot flames.  Moments later she was straddled on top of me, grinding her hips.  She caressed my face as I held her waist.  It soon became apparent that things were not going to slow down any time soon.  I stood up, with her still in my arms, and walked back to my bedroom.

What took place next can only be described as complete and unrestricted indulgence.  We tore into each other with such ferocity and aggression, pain serving only to heighten the pleasure.  As far as first sexual encounters have gone for me, this one easily ranks as number one.  In terms of absolute best?  Well, it’s certainly too early to say.  But the way we get it on definitely has the potential to bump the current top spot placeholder.

In between rounds (yes we went at it more than once), we lay in my bed, talking.  At one point a game of shadow puppets took place.  Something about it all felt overly fantastical, like the first half of 500 Days of Summer (except that I’m much more confident in my approach to women).  When we finally reengaged, we instinctively held each other so tight, desperately throwing our hips at each other.  Eventually we reached climax again, and the intensity slowly died down.  Again we lay there, talking about anything, smiling on the inside and out.  This felt good.  This felt great.

Eventually we started to get dressed, kissing as each piece of clothing went on.  ”Just because I’m getting dressed doesn’t mean you have to!”, she says with a smile.  ”Well…you’re time is up.  You’ll have to pay extra for more”.  Back in the living room, we converse a little more.  She plays around with my belongings, reading chapters of my personality with each item she grabs.  She doesn’t falter as I take a few photos of her charming investigation.

Now standing at my entry way, not quite ready to go, we embrace each other tightly.  A few more kisses and she’s out the door.  ”Have a good night”, she says with a smile the size of the moon.  I smile back, and wish her the same.

Even now I’m not sure what to make of this.  There’s no question that we like each other, yet I have my doubts as to whether or not anything will continue.  There has been so much time in between each time we’ve met, I wonder how long it will be before we see each other again.  Of course, control is now in my hands.  There’s no reason not to think that anything is possible between us.

And to answer the burning question…what of Jane?  We’ve been in regular communication since our most recent split.  Though she said we can only be friends, I hear more than that in her words when she talks to me.  There is more than that in her eyes when she looks at me.  However…I am in control now.  Regardless of what situation she and I may find ourselves in, I think I’m certain that I don’t want to start anything more between us now…friendship is the way forward, to whatever end awaits us.

And as for Minx, the Wild Rose, I’m surprised by her charm.  One comforting thought is that, as much as I know I feel for Jane deep down…were it not to work out, I would still be happy knowing that someone like Minx exists.  More than one road is open before me…which one shall I take?

Posted in: resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
5 Comments

Jane.  In all the time I’ve known you, nearly eight months, we were only together for six weeks.  Only three of those were truly stable.  Rationally, there is no reason for me to feel the way I do.  We did our little dance and it just didn’t work out.  It’s way past the time to say sayonara, and walk away.

Yesterday afternoon I had a long conversation with my mother.  As much as I’ve been writing about my feelings this past week, I needed to hear a voice of reason and wisdom.  At first she seemed to be telling me things she thought I wanted to hear. “If this is how you feel, then follow your heart”.  No, I want you to tell me what you think, I don’t need you to reinforce what’s already in my head.  By trying to tear down my point of view, my resolve and convictions will either hold fast…or crumble.  ”Something doesn’t seem right with the whole situation.  From what you say she seems like a nice girl, but she also seems very lost, or emotionally unstable.  At times irrational”.  Thank you, that’s much better.

At the end of it all, my reckless determination was left intact.  ”I knew the second time we were together that she would be the mother of my children”.  That left my mom stunned.  I don’t know if she’s ever heard me speak with such conviction before, about anything.  Still I took her advice.  Keep walking my path, keep my heart out of it.  Friendship with Jane is the only way forward for many reasons.  Over time, I know that she and I can’t just be friends.  It will either fully blossom, or it will wilt.  It was clear from the start there is no in-between.  And so, I move on…

I had another important conversation this weekend, if email exchange can be considered conversation.  Back in November, I had a realization regarding my most important relationship so far (see end of the post titled Circle of  Confusion).  After ending things with E., I never really took time to try to understand the feelings she expressed during our breakup.  After almost two years I began to see just how hurtful some of my actions and words were to her.  I felt that I had been experiencing them to some degree in my relationships since then.

I was hesitant to share these thoughts with her.  I told myself that she is happy now, and that she probably did not need me to bring up the past.  During the sermon I heard last week however, the speaker mentioned, among other things, that it isn’t enough to simply recognize the wrongs you’ve done.  To truly be good, one must atone for them.  It wasn’t enough for me to know that I had hurt her more than I realized, I had to at least try to tell her.  If I really see myself as a just and noble person, I have to behave noble and just.  So, I wrote her an email explaining why I think I failed then to recognize what I was doing wrong, and that I finally came to understand the degree of pain I inflicted.

I was surprised by her email today.  She thanked me for saying the words she needed hear.  The rejection I dealt her out of fear was something that she felt still scarred her today, and hearing me apologize for those misgivings…helped her as much as it helped me.  I don’t know if that act will improve my romantic karma, but I do feel great that I found the courage to speak.

As for Jane, I pray that she finds the answers she’s desperately looking for.  Or at least that she finds the courage to ask the right questions, or to simply ask for help.  When I think back to the time she first sought me out in January, I can remember thinking that then was probably not the right time, and that we’d only really see each other again in April or May.  For now, I’ll just continue on my way…on my way towards….?

Posted in: Drink Of Anguish, lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
2 Comments

There is no other way, no other road, but the one put before me.  Obstacle ridden, and filled with challenges yet to be discovered, it is the path I must walk if a chance at long lasting happiness is to be mine.  Admittedly, I have been afraid to move forward without any assurances.  However, somewhere inside, in the deepest corners of my soul, I know that this is the course I must follow.

In the last few days, I’ve struggled to let go of a situation that on the surface does not appear to be good for me.  Jane essentially gave me two choices: become a man of (Christian) Faith, or leave. As someone who does not respond well to ultimatums, or any form of bullying, my first reaction was to stand my ground.  Even when being pressured into something that will likely benefit me, I resist, defiantly.  Since our last discussion however, I’ve realized that I can’t simply walk away.  Whatever strength I thought I had pales in comparison to the forces that draw me to her.  For whatever reason, I simply can’t let go.

I’ve been here before.  See any of my posts for the month of September and October.  Once again, as hard as I try to accept that it is game over between us, I just can’t.  I can’t give up as long as I know there is still something that can be done to turn it all around.  This morning I woke up knowing what I have to do.  Come next Sunday, I’ll go forward, unafraid, to possibly meet my destiny.  And I’ll leave it up to God, Fate, or the Universe (whatever you want to call it) to decide what will be.

“As long as we proceed with everything we have, success is not impossible.”  That’s all there is to it.

Posted in: lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
7 Comments

I really wanted to have this up before the start of the new year.  I started writing it on the 28th.  But for some reason I struggled.  And that’s mostly a good thing, as I mention again later.  I don’t feel the need to write as much when things are above sea level.  Anyway, here goes.

——-

I don’t think I will ever be without inner darkness.  No matter what the current state of my life is, it will always exist inside me, a symbiotic soul eater, feeding on my being.  The tragedies of my past can never be erased, so I must learn to live with them.

I’ve felt for some time now that my resurrection has been achieved.  Near the beginning of November I had a fairly intense realization about myself, and since then I’ve felt much less inclined to write out my emotions.  I felt, in retrospect, as though I had reached a new mental plateau, a higher level of self understanding and awareness.  Now I am better equipped to handle the responsibilities of this new phase of my life.

This past year has been tumultuous.  It started in personal chaos, and continued that way throughout.  I embarked on new adventures, in romance and in my professional life, and on each, I discovered what truly is important to me.  I have learned (or relearned) what it is I seek in women and relationships.  I have learned what kind of environment will promote success in my career.  I have learned the importance of gaining mastery over my inner universe, in order to peacefully exist in the randomness of the world.

All the lessons of this year have been significant in their own way, but the one I find the most interesting is with regards to interacting with women.  After a four and a half year relationship (which will forever be remembered as the most important bond of my youth), I had forgotten what it was like to be single and not codependent.  I’d become a grade-A wuss, and needed desperately to refine my game.  Through trial and error (or trial by fire) and some, uh, research, triggering attraction in women has become a lot less difficult.  Every encounter, every flirtation, is now an opportunity to practice the delicate art of seduction.

The last three months of the year saw a lot of reflection on my early days, and how that has shaped the person I am now.  For some time, throughout most of my twenties, I had put aside those memories, perhaps because I felt I could escape them, or that maybe they no longer had any meaning.  I now understand that this can never be true.  We are all a product of the road we have traveled.  To discount any aspect of that path is to neglect a part of who we are.

With this deeper understanding in hand,  I can now, a little more comfortably, begin my second act.  I can never be without my inner darkness.  I can, however, make it a part of me, a source of strength.  Anguish and harmony.  Shadow and light.  Yin and Yang.

Darkness…and joy.

Posted in: lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
3 Comments

I must apologize.  It’s been far too long since my last entry.  And sadly, I don’t really have a great excuse.  I’ve been wrapped up in my own head for the most part, swimming in a sea of mental and emotional growth.  Hopefully this serves as a quick summary of where I’ve been and where I’ll be going.  No promises to keep this regular in the near future.  If it happens, it happens.

I recently turned Thirty.  Surprisingly, there was no crisis like there was at twenty- five.  Instead I met it with a sort of welcoming and anxious serenity, the way one might feel just before embarking on a new adventure.  Within my mind things felt as though they were finally falling into place in the weeks leading up to my birthday.  Parts of my life and myself that I realized I never truly understood, the parts of emotional and mental strength, started making more sense.  I am eager to see how I meet what the new year will bring.

I’ve also been having the occasional dinner and “dancing” with M.  It’s hard to say what all of it has meant.  I’ve been very reluctant to invest more than the bare minimum of myself, but it’s not quite so easy to do.  Now, as before, she has found a way to charm my heart into the open, though this time, I’ve done so with caution.  Though she sometimes acts as though we are couple, I suspect that I’ll soon be discarded and forgotten, as seems to be the case with Jane.  I’ve learned to just enjoy the good things when they’re around.  The memories will provide comfort and tide you over during the bad times.

This year has been such a roller coaster.  Much has changed, much was lost, much insight has been gained.  Instead of looking to the new year with new hopes and wishes and resolutions, I’ve decided to summarize the things that 2009 has taught me.  Look to future entries, hopefully by the time 2010 rolls in, for me to detail the five things I’ve learned in what will be the last 365 days.

Posted in: lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
3 Comments

Sigh.  While I was nowhere near fully healed, I felt as though things were about to turn for the better.  And so they have.  In fact, things have come full circle.  The woman who prompted the creation of this blog, this virtual toilet for my thoughts, has made her way back into my life.  For how long, that remains to be seen.

I knew almost from the moment of my last breakup, in mid-September, that November would when the Universe would bring me a new adventure.  So, I wasn’t quite as surprised as I’d might otherwise be when the following exchange took place:

From: M

Subject: Blah

“Do you want to have dinner on Friday?”

Excuse me? I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Why would she decide to message me now of all times?  I don’t want this.  Right?  Best to sit on it, until my subconscious has had time to process and give a true reaction.  Later that day:

“Sure, that sounds like fun. How about that Greek place at the corner of your street?”

And then, over the next day or so,

“that sounds great, what time?”, ”We can meet there around 730. I can’t remember, is it a bring your own wine resto?”, “yes it is. i can bring ze vine”, “Ok sounds good. See you then”.

Great.  I have a date with the woman who unlocked my heart and crushed it in the space of twelve weeks.  I must be crazy, because at no point did I even consider the possibility of reawakened pain.  In fact, my only concern was whether or not her ulterior motive was for a sexual encounter, and if it wasn’t, whether or not I’d be able to turn it into one.  So as the week drew to an end, I took my time to disassemble and remove my heart, and tuck it safely out of harm’s reach.  On to the date.

I arrived at the resto calm, prepared.  There was to be no talk of the relationship, or relationships since, unless she was the one to bring it up.  ”This is pretty good wine, man it’s been so long since I’ve had a glass”.  Not quite awkward commentary, but far from thrilling.  Later I blurt out, “Oh wait, silly me, I had wine a couple of weeks ago when I had dinner with a friend.  She made me drink most of the bottle because she had to prepare for an upcoming exam”.  She sits up suddenly, curiosity burning in her eyes.  ”Which friend is this?”.  Oh, no one special, just my friend I’ve known since high school, who has a bachelor’s in bio chemistry, a master’s in anthropology, and is currently enrolled in McGill medicine.  You did well to hide the bit of jealousy I’m sure you felt.  Not long after, the question, “So have you been dating anyone?”, comes along.  Yeah, I went on a few dates over the summer, and got really serious with one girl (Jane), but it didn’t work out because of blah blah blah (see posts from late September).  ”That sounds hard”.  Yeah, it was, but it was a while ago, and I’m past it for the most part.

Eventually we finish dinner, and our wine, and we struggle to decide what to do next.  ”Would you like to get a drink somewhere?  Or did you want to just go home.  Er, I mean, like go home alone…”  Of course I want to hang out, and no, I most certainly do not want to go home alone.  I suggest we go to a bar near my place, one where we’ve been together a few times.  Her willingness to walk that far in the cold hinted that maybe she doesn’t want to go home alone either.  After a few drinks, she brings up our relationship.  Almost immediately she says she’s sorry that she was such an asshole.  She can barely remember how things unfolded, or who was the one to initiate the break up, something I found quite confusing.  She had talked about it with several friends, and she couldn’t understand why she broke up with someone who was clearly so wonderful.  She mentions that perhaps part of her hesitation was that she felt that maybe I was not her intellectual equal, something she feels is important to have in a relationship.  I wholeheartedly disagree.  Yes, you are working towards a Master’s in Philosophy, but Computer Engineering is no walk in the park.    Our realms of knowledge are at best incomparable.  Mine just happens to be hard or impossible to relate to by most people outside the domain.  And for the record, the breadth of my intellect extends far beyond the world of computing.  You just need to take the time to  look under the hood.  End rant.  I didn’t actually say any of this.

With a bit more discussion, I got the feeling this aspect was no longer as important, or that she was less close-minded about what she considers an intellectual equal.  It felt as though she was relating to me in a different way.  Eventually we finished our drinks, and stumbled around the block back to my place.  After a cigarette on the balcony, we went inside, and into the living room.  We then looked at each other with a, “who are we kidding look”, and hurried to the bedroom.  To get naked…and snuggle.  I had already told her several times that night that I couldn’t wait to fool around with her, but at that point, even I was overwhelmed by the alcohol.  I went in for a good night kiss, which lead to a good night grope, which then lead to good night sex (as well as good morning and good afternoon sex).  ”I forgot how huge you are”, she says in between breaths.  The whole experience was as good as I had remembered, and as good as I had built it up in my mind in the preceding days.

The next day was uncomfortable, uncomfortable because of how natural being around each other felt.  I kept yelling inside my head that I wanted her to leave, which I later realized was because I didn’t risk falling back into old patterns.  In the end however, I was glad she silently insisted on staying.  Seeing and being around her again in this clear and calmer state answered a lot of questions.  When I dropped her off Sunday morning before heading off to my weekly routine, she said, “See you soon…?” as she got out of the car, then peeked back in, as if to make sure I heard her.  I smiled and nodded, and then waved goodbye.

I’m still unsure how I really feel about the whole event.  I remind myself that I am not looking to get involved, but like her, I can’t help but miss the good times we did have over six months ago.  And she seems different now, a little wiser maybe, or perhaps a little less rigid in her desire for a perfect love.  Only time can provide the answer.

This dance with the past did teach me something important though, a lesson which might prove to be the final step towards resurrection.  At one point during our talk over drinks, M. said something that stopped my thoughts for more than a few seconds. “I should have ended it when I first knew that it wasn’t going to work, instead I cowardly waited for you to bring it up”.  I then reminded her that we in fact had two breakups, one of which did not stick, obviously, and that I felt that she had been direct with me (or as direct as I can expect) about how she felt concerning the relationship.  This triggered in me the realization that I have always been afraid to hurt someone the way I have been hurt in the past, the way I saw my mother hurt by my father.  I have been afraid to inflict heartbreak, have masked this fear with the rationalization that when I commit to a relationship, I do my absolute best to make it work.  Such a cop out.  Not all unions are meant to last, and so I should not approach love as if they are.  It’s simply unrealistic.

The final piece of the jigsaw, is how this until now hidden fear affected the most important relationship I’ve ever had.  My time with E. was a great learning experience, but even after the first six months, I felt there were signs that pointed towards us not working out.  From that point on, I always avoided serious discussions of a future together, because I did not want to go down that road until I was certain of how I felt.  This continued for another four years.  While I do not regret the time we spent together in any way, in retrospect I find my behavior unacceptable.  There were obvious times where my uncertainty in the relationship were apparent to her and others around us.  The sadness this caused her is clear to me now.

The only consolation here is that she was able to meet what just might be the love of her life, shortly after we separated.  Even though, I felt a lot of pain from this, I genuinely feel happy for her now.  I’m not sure I will ever tell her this, but at least it’s out there (Wow, I just felt a heavy weight being lifted as I typed that).  It’s nice to think that her time with me led her to where she is now, and that maybe I was not a complete waste of time.

As for myself, I think there will be a few more minor lessons before the year ends. For the most part, though, I think I’ve come to understand what the Universe has been trying to show me.  Where I go from here, is up to me.  And also up to my luck.

Posted in: lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
5 Comments

Faith:  Strong belief in supernatural powers that control human Destiny.

Bravery:  A quality of spirit that enables one to face danger or pain without showing fear.

Their definitions do not at first glance appear in direct opposition, but when one looks deeper at the implications of each, their relationship to one another becomes less clear.

To have faith, whether it is in God, the Universe, Karma, or the Cosmos, it is required that one surrenders to something intangible and external.  I have always had trouble with this.  I am an almost-man of practicality.  I need to see-feel-touch the things I believe in.  The term blind faith seems redundant because, well, faith implies that you cannot foresee the outcome of any given circumstance.  Faith, by its very nature, is blind.

I’ve always wondered how people can place their full trust into something they never truly interact with.  What is the foundation of one’s faith?  How can one know that everything will work out?  To say that, to me, is to accept that circumstance cannot be influenced by the will, and that, in the end, what is, is what was desired.  Really?  That sounds a little too convenient.  Isn’t it?

Bravery.  Courage.  Fortitude in the face of Fear.  Now this is something I have always got on well with.  In a way, bravery can be seen as faith in oneself.  Trusting that one has the psychological and emotional strength to deal with the highs and lows of reality is a powerful weapon in a world of uncertainty.  This self-belief comes easier to some than it does others.  Some are born with it.  Some are trained for it.  Some are forced to learn it in order to transcend hardship.

I think I’ve gained my Bravery from all three, but the largest influence in its development is definitely from the last source.  I haven’t had the hardest of lives, but it hasn’t nearly been the easiest either.  Though my family are mostly devout Christians, I have always tended to resist fully embracing the Word of God.  For whatever reason, I felt that simply trusting in some supernatural power to take care of my mortal soul was not enough get what I want out of life, or to go where I want to go in life.  Simply “leaving it up to Faith” seemed like a cop out.  If I want make something of myself, I have to pursue it.

This has worked out for most of my life so far.  Without self-belief, I would not have survived university.  Without self-belief, I would not have persevered through countless interviews and several less than ideal jobs.  Without the confidence of knowing that I have what it takes to survive and even thrive in this world, I would be nothing.  I am nothing if I am not brave.

But…I seem to be approaching the limits of what Bravery alone can do.  Not quite the end of the line, but it’s becoming clearer and clearer that in order to have more and be more, something else is needed.

Faith.

Not everything can be manipulated by will.  Not all aspects of our destinies are in hand.  Sometimes, it is necessary to just wait for the stars to align before action can be taken.  In these circumstances, Bravery is powerless.  Faith is what will help you get through it.  Faith in something external will keep you going until the proverbial moment of truth arrives.

I’ve finally come to understand.  To be…perfect…in life an individual needs healthy, if not equal, amounts of both.  Looking at history’s most notorious warriors (Genghis Kahn, Alexander The Great),  or fiction’s greatest characters (Frodo Baggins, Superman), they all seem to have traveled their road with Faith in one hand, Bravery in the other, and using each as required by the situation before them.

“I think a man does what he can until his destiny is revealed.” -Nathan Algren, The Last Samurai.

Faith and Bravery.  One of the many Yins and Yangs of existence.  Each possesses a little bit of the other in itself.  And to truly get anywhere, to become…complete, one must be both Faithful and Brave.

The road to fulfillment just became a little bit longer.  There is much work to do.

Posted in: lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada / Tags: Faith Bravery Fate

2 Comments