DarkJoy

More than two months have passed and nary a word written.  The truth is that I have started several posts, but never found the time to pen all my thoughts.  Things have changed so frequently.  My mood and state of mind don’t stay still long enough for me to write, and I think I’ve figured out why.  The things I need to express do not fit in this space.

This place was born out of a feeling of anguish and minor self loathing.  I began my journey here because, among other things, I needed to change.  Writing about my darker emotions allowed for some very profound self reflection, and eventual self correction.  Though I am far from my goals for self improvement, I’ve been starting to feel that this part of the road is at an end.  It’s time to move on, at least for a little while.

So, where to from here? A new blog. One that does not carry the stains of the past.  In this new space, I hope to explore my rejuvenated self esteem, as well as some of the upcoming career struggles.  Relationships will still be discussed, but perhaps with less whining.  Something inside me changed a few months ago.  Though I don’t feel impervious to hurt, I’m not nearly as vulnerable.

This probably won’t be the last entry here, but it may be a while before I visit again.  Until then, you can find my written meditations here.

Posted in: lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
1 Comment

In writing my last entry, I’ve discovered another major piece of my love addiction, possibly the biggest source.  I now realize that I’ve been trying to make up for the sins of my father toward women.  I’ve also realized that it is an impossible burden to carry, nor should I have taken it upon myself to balance the Universe in this way.  I’ve been a coward, unwilling until now, to live my love life as my own, and instead making decisions based on the actions of another, actions from a time I can’t even remember.

My mother doesn’t often tell me stories of things my father did when they were married, but when she does, she always prefaces it by saying that I should not hold it against him.  For whatever reason, she still wants me to build a relationship with him, something that I sincerely have no desire to do.  There is no hate in my heart towards him, but there is no love either.  He is an almost-stranger that I never quite got to know, and trying to do so now would not make me feel any more complete.  Hearing some of his past antics only turns me further away from wanting to know him.  Perhaps I am biased against him, but I know deep down that I will never be able to relate to him.  My mom may have forgiven him, but I can’t.  I would not forgive anyone for that kind of careless and mean spirited behavior.  Hmm…writing those words makes me wonder if I would be as righteous had I not had such a perfect example of just how deep the selfishness of one can wound another.  Maybe not…but that doesn’t matter.  I choose to believe that I would have the same sense of justice (though I would maybe not react as strongly) if my father were a person I could model myself after.

Now it has become clear that my choices in love must be based on what I feel is right for me.  There is no way to undo the past, and certainly no way to undo the misdeeds of another.  All I can do, all I should do, is live according to my own beliefs, evaluating each new scenario on it’s own and not against a ghost from years gone.  In saying this, I do realize that overall, not much will change, in the sense that I feel that I do have a good baseline to work with.  What will change, what has already begun to change, is my approach, my way of interacting with women.  I now know that it is possible to be a nice guy, and still be interesting.  And even better, I have a pretty good idea of how to trigger that all important emotion: attraction.

The brainwashing of our Wonder Year’s culture has come undone.  Thank you, Kevin Arnold, for your perfect display of how not to get the girl.  Taking your inaction and inner angst as a guide of things not to do, I can now continue on the road to becoming a man.  To becoming my own man.

Posted in: Drink Of Anguish, lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
2 Comments

It’s been a while.  Where to begin.  Work has been overwhelming.  Satisfying, but just a little too much to handle alone.  My partner returns from a three week paternity absence this Monday, so things will return to normal.  What follows is an entry I started on the 1st, but could not find the time to pen all the words I needed to speak…here goes.

–

A year ago this blog was born. My first post was on May 20th, but the events that triggered its creation, the severing of ties between M. and I, happened on May 1st, 2009. After weeks of anguish, I started to look inward, realizing that my failures with respect to dating, and other aspects of life, had as much to do with my own actions as they did with the randomness of life. Thus, I began a journey of self examination and self correction.

I won’t go into too much detail about what the last year has been like. If you’ve been reading this space, you already know. At the heart of my enlightenment is understanding that I’ve had an addiction to love for most of my life. No, I have an addiction to love, period. Admitting this to myself was only the first step. In the last five weeks or so, I think I’ve finally started to get a handle on it. Or I’ve at least learned to acknowledge the times when my thoughts and actions in romance are born out of love addiction, and not necessarily or solely from true feelings.

The way this condition has manifested itself was not through overindulgence, but through over righteousness. Over earnestness. At times excessive neediness. Having no memories of being a family of four, and having witnessed the hurt my mother felt from the actions of my father, I made some rules for myself very early on. Never would I allow myself to be unfaithful. Never would I unecessarily cause a woman pain. I would not talk about how I felt, either early in a relationship or in its twilight, until internally I was already certain of my feelings. There was a time when I felt even having an interest in more than one woman at a time was a violation of this code. My solution to this? Be honest with all of them. It’s not hard to see how things could go wrong for me.

Despite the misguided good intentions, I still managed to stumble into a few healthy and long lasting relationships.  Looking back, I can see where my fear of abandonment consumed me and dictated the responses one can have when we open our hearts and place it at the mercy of someone else.  I was eager to love, and eager to be loved.  Yet I was not fully able to understand and consequently handle the risks involved.  Looking back, I almost feel like a coward.  Or just a love fool.  Likely both.

The year of 2009, and the early part of this year, was filled with ups and downs.  The downs however, were completely avoidable in retrospect.  M. and Jane were trouble almost from the start.  Emotional loose cannons and walking train wrecks, I got on board under the illusions that I could tame the beast, or ride the wave, or whatever fucking metaphor fits.  My superman complex at it’s finest.  After falling victim to their games two times each, I’ve started to really understand the nature of my weakness.  And with this knowledge, I’ve been able to…let go of the rules I once created for myself.  The prison I once trapped myself in has been deconstructed, and the views I have on romance are being rebuilt.  It feels nice to be free, and to feel the freshness of a new perspective.  I’ve taken care not to allow myself to become jaded.  After all, “…it’s not [just] love, but the will to love that counts”.  I still want the things I have always wanted, but I’m now wise enough to know how I should go about getting it.

–

I only now realized that I never wrote about the end of my feelings for Jane.  Too much has happened for me in the last month, and I had discussed the events enough times since they occurred that I don’t feel the need to put them to words.  I do think it’s important to put those words to this space, for the sake of completeness.  And to serve as a reminder of the vital lesson learned.

My previous entry talked of Jane’s now famous flakiness.  She seemed genuinely guilty to have let me down the way she did, and seemed eager to make up for it.  She insisted we get together the following Thursday (April 15th).  Because I had the possibility of working late that night, I told her that I’d be able to confirm sometime the day of, which she was okay with.  I finally messaged her early that afternoon to let her know I’d be free for the evening.  Somehow in the 14 hours since our last conversation, around 10pm the previous night, she managed to make other plans, and not tell me about it.  I have trouble believing she would not have done the same thing if our plans had been set in stone.  I shrugged it off, and simply told her we can get together some other time.  In any case, two days later would be her birthday dinner, and I’d see her then.

When Saturday afternoon came around, Jane called me to “make sure you’re still alive”, and to confirm whether or not I’d be attending her birthday dinner.  I could sense she had something else she wanted to tell me, but never pressed her.  Arriving at the restaurant, I took a seat between two of her family friends, and near her mother, who I was meeting for the first time.  The guests arrived in a staggered manner, and eventually she kept three seats open next to her.  Eventually two of her friends, and another guy, DL, showed up and took the remaining seats.  DL took the spot next to her.  When she introduced him to me…I immediately sensed something…unpleasant.  That feeling only grew as other micro events took place over the course of the night.  First he’d place his arm around her chair.  Then he’d take bite of the slice of birthday cake that the resto offered her (this action was poorly covered up by her then passing the plate around to the twenty other guests at the table).  Throughout all of this, her body language was uncomfortable, which only suggested that she felt she had something to conceal.

Later a few of us went to a bar to continue the celebration, DL included.  I spent most of the night talking with the friends she had made during her very brief time in school.  At one point Jane and DL disappeared to the dance floor, but not before casually holding hands, sharing an embrace, and eventually a few kisses.  By the end of the night, they were ferociously making out just a few feet away from me.  I never allowed myself to show a reaction, or to appear as if I had noticed.  I wondered how long this thing had been going on.  Up until two days prior, she was acting as though she wanted to reconnect.  I suspect the last day she broke plans with me was the day they first hooked up.  I only wonder what she had told her friends about it all.  None of them seemed surprised that they were together, yet they were all fully aware of the short history between Jane and I.  My guess is they knew there’d be a potentially awkward situation having me there that night.  It would have been nice to have been warned as well.

I’ve realized that I can’t expect decent behavior from this one, not even in the context of friendship.  I saw her the next day at River’s Edge, and she greeted me as if nothing could possibly have been wrong.  I thought about confronting her maturely, but it then dawned on me that she is so wrapped up in her own perfect storm that she cannot see consequences her actions have on others she claims to be dear to her.  It would not be worth it.  Nor would it be worth it, or healthy for me to continue to trying to carry the friendship.  In that moment, I simply let go.  Whatever was holding me to her all this time finally gave way.  Finally, it was over, with no possibility of returning.

Since then Jane has sent me a few texts, most of which I have ignored.  Some asked if I were avoiding her.  When I did reply, all I would tell her was that I have no reason to avoid her and I’ve been busy.  Her last text asked if I would be available to help her move on July 1st.  The nerve of this girl.  I ignored the first message, and when she followed up to ask if I’d received her previous text, and to ask why I’ve been so busy, I replied:

“I got your text.  I’ve been busy with work because my partner is away for a few weeks, and I’ve been busy socially because I’ve made a few new friends recently.  I’m not sure I’ll be able to help you move, I have a few friends also moving and they’ve all asked for my help”.  All she wrote back was, “Ok”.

Since then it’s been radio silence between us, and I have to admit that I’m happy about that.  Very little good has come from our association, and I no longer want to be dragged into her madness.

–

So that, in a very large nutshell, is what the last month has been about.  There is still a very major story to tell, which touches a lot on the first part of this post, but I will save that for a separate entry…which I’ll hopefully write today.

Posted in: Drink Of Anguish, lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
2 Comments

Even in friendship, the games continue.  Even with her life beginning to sort itself, Jane’s actions are still erratic and marred by selfishness.  I can’t say I’m really surprised, but I’m glad I’ve stopped living my life in a holding pattern, waiting for her to grant me clearance.

We talked earlier this week, just to catch each other up on our recent lives.  We eventually talked of our weekend plans, she stating that she had none at the time.  I told her of my friend’s band being in town for a show on Saturday night, and invited her to come along.  She accepted, and then suggested we make an evening of it, by making dinner and then having me play guitar for her.  Not exactly friends-only activities, but I didn’t object.  Perhaps she simply wanted to test the waters between us, or perhaps she didn’t quite realize the romantic implications of her ideas.  Or maybe she was just in one of those dreamy moods.  Regardless, I was up for a nice casual evening.  It would allow me to really test the validity of the recent feelings (those based in friendship) I’ve been having towards her.

Over the next couple of days, we texted each other, either just little updates on what’s been going on, or to cement plans for our “date”.  This morning she sent me another message, riddled with excuses.  Paraphrasing, “Hey, I’m a dumbass, I drank way too much last night.  A 5 a 7 turned into a 5 a 3, and now I’m so sick!  Can we rain check? Maybe tomorrow after church we can do something?”.  One of the many problems with this is that it is entirely believable, and consistent with her recent unreliable behavior.

I once read something from a somewhat famous dating advice guru that when a woman tries to flake on you, for whatever reason (except of course for the very serious ones), you should just not respond.  In the moment, part of what they are feeling is anxiety towards the date or meeting for any number of reasons.  And when they do flake, the tension is only increased because they may worry about how you will react.  It’s important to send the message that these kinds of actions won’t be tolerated or taken lightly.  By responding too quickly or too kindly, you give away just a little too much power, and set a precedence for this to happen again in the future.  Sadly I’ve probably already done this with her at some point in the past.  That was when I was still under her spell.  This time however, I’m acting a little more consistently with how I’d react if any of my friends did something similar.  I won’t respond before the time we had set to meet.  And if she doesn’t try to contact me again, I’ll let her know that this was unacceptable behavior between friends.  When she’s ready to be serious about friendship, she knows how to reach me.

One thing that will make it easy to turn down Jane’s proposition to meet tomorrow is that I actually have plans for the afternoon and evening.  Part of the reason I packed two meetings in the same day was because of the plans I made with her.  My first meet is with a friend I had not seen in about a year.  The second, more interesting one, is with a girl (a doctor apparently), let’s call her Serah, that I met while out for a friend’s bachelor party last week.  Coffee and dessert (actual coffee), and maybe a drink afterwards.  From the emails we’ve exchanged during the week, she seems like a nice enough girl.  Nice enough to create a strong contrast against a certain someone who’s less together.

And the Wild Rose?  She’s supposed to be writing her last paper for the semester (pursuing her second Master’s, this one in Information Studies), so we haven’t had much contact since our last encounter.  I’d like to see more of her, and I sensed she felt the same way.  I won’t, however, assume anything.  Unless I receive clear signs from any prospect, I won’t restrict myself (I think i’ve typed these exact words before).

Jane.  I once called you my SweetSpirit, my Grand Prize.  For a while, you have not been the girl I expected you to be.  Perhaps you’ve changed, or perhaps I was wearing rose colored lenses.  Either way, what I once saw as a certain future is starting to feel like a mere possibility.  I still have those feelings in my heart, but they are hard to locate, now nowhere near the surface.

I’ll see you when I see you.

Posted in: Drink Of Anguish, lionheart by PrimeraEspada /
No Comments

Jane.  In all the time I’ve known you, nearly eight months, we were only together for six weeks.  Only three of those were truly stable.  Rationally, there is no reason for me to feel the way I do.  We did our little dance and it just didn’t work out.  It’s way past the time to say sayonara, and walk away.

Yesterday afternoon I had a long conversation with my mother.  As much as I’ve been writing about my feelings this past week, I needed to hear a voice of reason and wisdom.  At first she seemed to be telling me things she thought I wanted to hear. “If this is how you feel, then follow your heart”.  No, I want you to tell me what you think, I don’t need you to reinforce what’s already in my head.  By trying to tear down my point of view, my resolve and convictions will either hold fast…or crumble.  ”Something doesn’t seem right with the whole situation.  From what you say she seems like a nice girl, but she also seems very lost, or emotionally unstable.  At times irrational”.  Thank you, that’s much better.

At the end of it all, my reckless determination was left intact.  ”I knew the second time we were together that she would be the mother of my children”.  That left my mom stunned.  I don’t know if she’s ever heard me speak with such conviction before, about anything.  Still I took her advice.  Keep walking my path, keep my heart out of it.  Friendship with Jane is the only way forward for many reasons.  Over time, I know that she and I can’t just be friends.  It will either fully blossom, or it will wilt.  It was clear from the start there is no in-between.  And so, I move on…

I had another important conversation this weekend, if email exchange can be considered conversation.  Back in November, I had a realization regarding my most important relationship so far (see end of the post titled Circle of  Confusion).  After ending things with E., I never really took time to try to understand the feelings she expressed during our breakup.  After almost two years I began to see just how hurtful some of my actions and words were to her.  I felt that I had been experiencing them to some degree in my relationships since then.

I was hesitant to share these thoughts with her.  I told myself that she is happy now, and that she probably did not need me to bring up the past.  During the sermon I heard last week however, the speaker mentioned, among other things, that it isn’t enough to simply recognize the wrongs you’ve done.  To truly be good, one must atone for them.  It wasn’t enough for me to know that I had hurt her more than I realized, I had to at least try to tell her.  If I really see myself as a just and noble person, I have to behave noble and just.  So, I wrote her an email explaining why I think I failed then to recognize what I was doing wrong, and that I finally came to understand the degree of pain I inflicted.

I was surprised by her email today.  She thanked me for saying the words she needed hear.  The rejection I dealt her out of fear was something that she felt still scarred her today, and hearing me apologize for those misgivings…helped her as much as it helped me.  I don’t know if that act will improve my romantic karma, but I do feel great that I found the courage to speak.

As for Jane, I pray that she finds the answers she’s desperately looking for.  Or at least that she finds the courage to ask the right questions, or to simply ask for help.  When I think back to the time she first sought me out in January, I can remember thinking that then was probably not the right time, and that we’d only really see each other again in April or May.  For now, I’ll just continue on my way…on my way towards….?

Posted in: Drink Of Anguish, lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
2 Comments

I’m having trouble understanding my current feelings.  The mood changes more frequently than the winds, and each one is as fleeting as a cool breeze on a summer evening.  I have no idea where I am.  But I think I know where I’m going.

I’ve been looking over a lot of my posts, the ones made between September and now.  Surprisingly, I’ve at times found rereading my past thoughts comforting.  They serve as a reminder that I’ve been through it all before, and that I have survived.  I can relax somewhat knowing that, with patience, I will be just fine.  At other times, they only make me feel worse.  They paint an overly vivid picture of my state of mind during some of my more emotionally trying periods.  As I consume my words, a veil of darkness rolls in, encasing me in solitude, that all too familiar durance.

I can’t seem to figure out how I’m supposed to feel.  The current situation between you know who and I…doesn’t feel wrong.  I know that there is no other way for it to be right now.  I can’t even imagine what the last few days would have been like had she not had her change of heart.  In my mind there is no alternative. Perhaps last week was only meant to refresh the memories of last August.  I feel as if I have wholeheartedly accepted that the timing of it all was completely off, but I also sense that it was not a week without purpose.  I actually feel excited about the idea of building a friendship.  It means getting to know a person without the pressure and responsibility of a relationship.  All of my lasting, if ultimately unsuccessful, relationships have started out that way.

Another oddity among my emotions is that…I am certain it will work out.  In time.  I can see beyond the finish line and the joys that await.  And undoubtedly the challenges that will be there too.  There’s no question in my heart that she is mine, and I am hers.  And one thing that I learned last week is that she and I have always had similar feelings.  She may not be able to see romance with me now.  But she has said those exact words before (yay for saved chat logs).  She’ll come around.

In the mean time, I’ll just be all that I can be.  Or just be.  I’m no longer worried.

Posted in: Drink Of Anguish, Stormy Weather, lionheart by PrimeraEspada /
3 Comments

It’s been a while since my last post, longer than I would have liked.  The events of the last eleven days were quite a roller coaster, changing too fast for me to take a moment to write about them.  Things rose to a point where I started to feel a strong sense of completeness.  I started to feel as though, maybe, just maybe, I would have no more need for this space.  I began to feel that sadness and loneliness were no longer going to be a part of my life.  The subsequent crashing down was a hard blow.

On Sunday March 14th, I woke up and went to church for the first time in years.  I was very nervous about the whole experience, not knowing what to expect.  I sent Jane a text about an hour before to let her know I was coming.  No reply.  After minor battery trouble, I got in my car and drove.  For some reason, the directions I had read were not accurate, and so I got lost.  After driving back and forth for a bit, I eventually found the place.  However, at this point it felt as though something was telling me I was not meant to be there that day.  I walked in to the service already in progress, others still streaming in behind me.  Before me was a room filled with hundreds of people, mostly young families around my age, taking in the incredible live music.   I scanned the room quickly, but found no sign of her, so I took a seat near the back, and took in the experience.

The gatherings at River’s Edge are unlike anything I’ve experienced before.  Their slogan, “Real not Religious”, is a strong one that I can relate to.  Spirituality has always been a big part of my life, and that day, I felt as though I had found a possible medium to further my journey.  The sermons are delivered in such a way as to be much more applicable to our current day.  I can easily see myself attending regularly.

Near the end of the service, Jane finally responded. “Today of all days, I went out last night, and got pretty drunk.  How are you liking it?”.  We exchanged several texts over the next few hours.  She was glad that I finally decided to attend.  I would have liked to have shared my first experience there with her, but it just didn’t turn out that way.  At this point I felt that I had done all that I could to resurrect a dying relationship.  There was nothing more to do.

The next day, in the late afternoon, I got a msg from her.  ”I don’t see you on my MSN.  I didn’t delete you? Did you delete me?”.  I hadn’t, but I had blocked and unblocked her several times over the last few weeks.  Even when we’re apart and not speaking, there’s just so much drama between us.  A few minutes later we were in conversation. Immediately she apologized for the way our last chat went.  She realized it was wrong of her to try to force or expect me to feel the way she does about God.  I also apologized for reacting a little too defensively.  I then said that I was surprised to hear from her so soon, that I felt she would want more time to think.  ”No, no more thinking.  This was the sign I needed to see.  All of my boyfriends from the past would promise to do this, but they never did.  I’m glad that you went on your own.”  I had realized that what she wanted was simply to avoid entering another relationship in which she found herself unable to share her feelings about God and faith with the person she was with.  I had told her several times that I was always open to that, and the only thing keeping me from making myself a part of that was my Sunday morning family obligations.  I told her that for now, I wanted to attend at least once a month, and eventually regularly as my life allowed.

Over the next few days, we had many discussions about our feelings for each other, the kind of relationship we wanted to work towards, the kind of life we wanted to build.  We both admitted that no matter how much we both tried, it always felt impossible to push the other out of our lives.  There was just something too strong pulling us together, and we are all but powerless to resist.  It was around this point that I started to feel Joy take over my inner emotions.  It was also around this point that, in hindsight, we were blinded by excessive optimism.  The greatest aspect of our dynamic is the extreme level of comfort we feel with when around each other.  We both feel no need to play games or keep secrets.  We can just be ourselves, and the other will accept if not adore our behavior.  It is an aspect not without pitfalls, for sometimes we tend to leap ahead of ourselves, trying to make the present what we want the future to be.  If there was a way to do it again (or if we found ourselves in this situation down the road), I would make sure we start over as friends.  Start from zero, no expectations and no dreams of what we want things to be like.  The only goal would be to let things take their natural course.

A mutual friend had organized a going away dinner on Saturday night, so Jane and I decided to get together on the Friday.  To talk, face to face.  It had been a little over six months since we been in each other’s presence, or heard each other’s voice.  We were both nervous from the anticipation.  When she opened the door to let me in though, I felt what I had felt before.  Our first hug was first intense, and then relaxing.  It felt good.

We didn’t get to spend as much time alone as I wanted.  First her family joined us for dinner that she prepared.  And later we went to meet her best friend for a drink.  It was a very fun night, including the pre-goodnight makeout session, but I would have much preferred spending time alone with her just talking, listening to music.  As much as we’ve felt comfortable in the past, after six months apart, there will be an adjustment period.  The energies between us would need time to synchronize.

Saturday was the group dinner.  A nice little French resto downtown, followed by wholesome fun at a nearby bar.  There’s not much to say about that night.  She and I talked here and there, exchanged a few glances and kisses, took part in the conversation with everyone.  Business as usual, and overall a great time.  We shared a good night kiss just as she got into her friends car.  Smiles all around.

The next day, Sunday, was where things degraded.  A friend and I had gone again to church.  Jane had invited us because a gospel choir was performing, which doesn’t happen often, and she wanted to share that with me.  I arrived before she, and when she came to sit down next to me, she greeted me with a single kiss on the cheek.  Immediately an alarm inside me flickered.  I decided not to make much of it for the time being.  We’d had a rough night, and I certainly felt hung over.  Perhaps it was nothing.

After the service, we all decided to go for brunch.  We didn’t have much time because Jane and her friend had an appointment to see an apartment they were looking to rent.  As we waited in line to be seated, I noticed her reluctance to stand near me.  Or to make eye contact.  Or to make any sort of conversation with me directly.  I told myself she was probably anxious about the time frame, and that these inactions were likely subconscious.  In any case I wasn’t really looking to be affectionate.

When it came time to pay, three of us had cash, and my friend needed to pay by card.  Since Jane and her friend were in a rush, they decided to leave ahead of us.  She came in for a hug, and then kissed me on both cheeks.  ”Talk to you later”, with a half smile.  As soon as they walked out the door, I turned to my friend and said, “Something is off, between her and I”, “What? She’s probably just stressed about the apartment…”, “No, I know her well enough.  Something’s changed in her…”

Hours later, at home watching t.v., I got a text. “I have to talk to you about something and it’s not so great “.  I fucking knew it.  We had a twenty minute conversation where she explained to me that her feelings we just not what she expected them to be.  She said that she knew in her heart that her feelings don’t match what she sees on my face when I look at her (I never realized I was quite that transparent).  She said that she knows that she sees no romance for us now, or ever.

She was the one who insisted on talking about the future so soon, she was the one was being openly affectionate.  She was the one who said, “I love you”, in the booth of the dimly lit bar.  I of course reciprocated, but I was not the one to initiate.  She was the one coming on strong.

Once again, just as she did last September, she asked to be friends.  ”I care about you very much, but as a friend.  I know now that I don’t have romantic feelings for you, I know I must seem like a yo yo.  I’m sorry to hurt you like this.”  Again, I added.  She didn’t like that.  I didn’t really care.

I felt terribly burned that night.  When I think back to our Saturday night good bye and then to our Sunday morning hello, I just can’t figure out what could have happened in between.  She claimed that she felt that things were off the whole weekend we hung out, and that she couldn’t sleep from the anxiety (another repeat of last September).  I admit that things weren’t quite as expected, but that should be normal when we haven’t seen each other in six long months.

She may be right about her lack of romantic feelings toward me.  Maybe.  I sense that the other anxieties of her life are again interfering, this time the source being her lack of direction after quitting school and the difficulties of landing a job.  I don’t doubt that things between us felt different for her, but after all that we’ve been through, I find it hard to believe that she can so conclusively and so suddenly know without doubt that she feels nothing for me.

Regardless of the reason, and regardless of whether or not she is truly being honest with herself, it’s clear that this situation was never meant to work out.  Not now at any rate.  I eventually accepted her request for friendship.  When I woke up Monday morning, I didn’t feel angry towards her, nor did I feel the need to escape.  Instead I just wanted to do what seems the most natural at this point.  Keep her in my life, as a friend.  Romance is not possible right now, and may never again be.  After all the ups and downs, I know that this is the only way to go forward.  I’m not holding out hope for something more, nor am I trying to forget her.  She must be in my life for a reason.  So I’ll let God, or the Universe, play this hand out, and I will take part in whatever way I’m meant to.  What will be…will be.

“I truly thought you were the one I was waiting for, the one I put all the other girls aside for.  This may still be the case, but I know that now isn’t the time.  I’m not going to force a situation to manifest before it’s time.  The Universe, God, will take care of me, and hopefully you too.  I love you, and wish you well, dear Kat.  Be brave, and have faith.”

I was numb for a couple of days, but today, after many hours of sleep (I have the flu, I think), I’m starting to feel again.  I don’t think I’ll have any desire to get close to someone again for a while, but that’s okay.  Now doesn’t feel like “relationship time” anyway.

What’s important is that I maintain my balance of inner light and dark.  So far…so good, it seems.

Posted in: Drink Of Anguish, lionheart by PrimeraEspada /
1 Comment

There is no other way, no other road, but the one put before me.  Obstacle ridden, and filled with challenges yet to be discovered, it is the path I must walk if a chance at long lasting happiness is to be mine.  Admittedly, I have been afraid to move forward without any assurances.  However, somewhere inside, in the deepest corners of my soul, I know that this is the course I must follow.

In the last few days, I’ve struggled to let go of a situation that on the surface does not appear to be good for me.  Jane essentially gave me two choices: become a man of (Christian) Faith, or leave. As someone who does not respond well to ultimatums, or any form of bullying, my first reaction was to stand my ground.  Even when being pressured into something that will likely benefit me, I resist, defiantly.  Since our last discussion however, I’ve realized that I can’t simply walk away.  Whatever strength I thought I had pales in comparison to the forces that draw me to her.  For whatever reason, I simply can’t let go.

I’ve been here before.  See any of my posts for the month of September and October.  Once again, as hard as I try to accept that it is game over between us, I just can’t.  I can’t give up as long as I know there is still something that can be done to turn it all around.  This morning I woke up knowing what I have to do.  Come next Sunday, I’ll go forward, unafraid, to possibly meet my destiny.  And I’ll leave it up to God, Fate, or the Universe (whatever you want to call it) to decide what will be.

“As long as we proceed with everything we have, success is not impossible.”  That’s all there is to it.

Posted in: lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
7 Comments

Straight to the point.  Jane finally came back.  We talked briefly over MSN, where she told me about her decision to end her pursuit to become a dental hygienist.  She tried her best, but in the end she felt that she wasn’t going to make it.  I sympathized deeply with her.  It’s not easy to give up on a dream.

She said that she was sorry to leave me hanging for so long, but that she just needed to think (where have I heard this before…).  The last couple of weeks had been confusing for her.  She felt very lost without her sense of ambition, and was not sure what direction to take next.  I told her that what’s important now is for her to figure out her life, there’ll be time for us to talk later.

Eventually she asked me if I’d be able to accompany her to church sometime soon.  We’ve had discussions about faith in the past, and she expressed that it was important to her to have a partner that had the same embrace as she.  My family is heavily Christian but I’ve never fully gotten behind the idea of organised religion.  However, because it was important to her, and she was important to me, I told her I was willing to re-explore my faith.  At that time, this answer seemed good for her, but in our last conversation, her tune changed.  Suddenly, it was important to have that figured out before there was a chance of us exploring our relationship.  Needless to say that was a major w.t.f moment.

I told her that I’d like to discuss that issue as well as the many others that have been sitting on the back burner face to face, where it will be much easier to understand each other.  Despite my wishes she insisted on having a discussion then and there, one that lasted more than an hour.  After several misunderstandings, the talk ended on a note that was not very satisfactory for either of us, but with a tone that seem to leave the door open for further discussion and understanding.  This morning she emailed me to say that 1) she absolutely does not want to be with someone who isn’t of the same faith as she, nor does she want to have it forced upon a potential partner, and 2) that she feels there are other aspects of our personalities that don’t mesh that she cannot get passed.  She “knows deep down” that we are not right for each other.  That is quite a different song from the one she sung just over a month ago.

I replied telling her that differences will always exist in a relationship and that that is normal.  She and I have many differences, and we also share many powerful similarities.  At this point however, it is becoming painfully clear that certain differences between us will never be overcome, nor will some be accepted by the other.  She won’t accept my apparent lack of faith.  I won’t accept her  seeming unwillingness to compromise about any issue.  I sense that it will always be one demand (or excuse) after another with her, and that she will never really be satisfied.  I can tolerate a lot of things, but this isn’t one of them.

So that is that.  The end of this dramatic saga.  I felt upset initially, but as the day went on, I’ve come to accept that this is the best way to end things.  It would have become messy down the line, and the last thing I need is another source of hatred in my heart.  One thing that worries me is the effect that this string of failed relationships and reconciliations will have on my outlook.  Not long ago I was too eager to love.  Now, it is the opposite.  I fear that my capacity to care deeply about someone is dwindling, and that soon, there may be nothing left for me to give.

One might say that with time, the capacity to love is replenished.  I’m not so sure anymore…

Posted in: lionheart by PrimeraEspada /
No Comments

Last weekend I ended things with M.  For the past several weeks, there had been a noticeable decline in desire to maintain the relationship on both ends.  The few times that we did hang out recently felt more like a charade rather than a relaxing evening.  So in the interest of keeping my slate clean, I decided to take out the trash rid myself of what just wasn’t working.

Admittedly, it wasn’t an easy choice to make.  Though I was reluctant at first to let myself get involved with M., there were still residual feelings left over from our first get together.  After a few weeks, I stopped fighting my feelings and decided to let myself enjoy her company, for as long as it would last.  I wasn’t surprised though, when I noticed a change in our dynamic.  It happened before in the same way.  She started showing signs of her depression returning, so I knew it was a matter of time before things would degrade.  Having been here before and learned from our previous association, I decided to get out while I was still relatively unharmed.

The conversation was a lot less pleasant than I thought it would be.  First texts were exchanged, and then a phone call.  I started by saying that I thought it was becoming pointless to be together when we’re barely going through the motions.  She accused me of not taking enough initiative, and always following her cues.  I told her she only sees it that way because she forgets about the times where I’ve called to make plans and she’s either already busy, or she blew me off because she was asleep for 12 hours (a side effect of her depression).  In the end, our talk was not very civil, and she eventually stopped listening to anything I had to say.  At one point the words “I’m not some rent-a-girlfriend”, and “I have plans for my life that don’t involve a man” were barked.  The call ended after she said very fervently, “I can’t give you any more than this.  I have too many problems to have to deal with this too.  If you want to fix this go ahead and do it”.  Click.  Sayonara.

She’ll probably come out of her dementia in the not to distant future realizing just how ludicrous her perception was at this time.  And then, just at she did when we first reconnected, she’ll likely seek to rekindle what we had.  The difference will be that I have no more questions left to answer.  I can say now without any doubt that she is not someone that I could ever have a happy relationship with.  I even have a hard time picturing us as friends.  There are just far to many differences in our ways of being, and her mental state is far too unpredictable.  Farewell M.,  I wish you good luck in the rest of your life.

And then there’s Jane.  It’s been more than two weeks since she cut me loose and there’s still been no sign of her.  I learned from a mutual friend that she abandoned her academic pursuits.  Apparently it just wasn’t for her.  It makes me sad to hear this because I know how much she wanted to do it.  The other side of the coin is that now the only thing that stands in our way…is us.

Probably against my better judgement, I emailed her to let her know that I was no longer involved, and that, if she is willing, we are free to explore what exists between us.  I figured that it’s worth one last attempt at reconciliation.  That was nearly five days ago, and still no reply.  I’m not expecting much.

While it’s clear that the high on which I entered this new year has subsided significantly, I’m not really down about any of it.  A part of me really feels that I should leave all the negativity of 2009 where it is, gone and buried.  There are far too many new opportunities just waiting to be seized, and far to many (relatively) sane and stable women (I hope) available for me to continue wasting my time with the ones who want to play needless games.

Onward then,  to the next adventure…

Posted in: lionheart by PrimeraEspada /
4 Comments