DarkJoy

Ichi-go, Ichi-e.  This was the title of a blog I had years ago.  The idea behind this expression is to treat every encounter as if it were the last, to never think “there will always be a next time”.  I’ve always thought that this creed is meant to free one’s mind, so that we learn to act without hesitation in order to acquire the things we desire.  It’s not a bad philosophy, in my opinion.  However, this past weekend, I was reminded that seizing the day never comes without a cost.

It was late friday night.  I was home alone, going head to head with a bottle of Jameson, blasting through season two of Rescue Me, when her first message came (via msn):

“Hey, are you busy?”, “Not with anything important. What’s up?”, “Nothing much.  I just wanted to chat”.

I had had a few conversations with Jane since she started her winter break in early December, but already I could feel the difference in tone.  The stars were about to align to give me something almost unimaginable.

“I miss our dinners.  I miss us going out.”  So do I, though it had been a while since I buried those feelings.  They still exist, surprisingly.  My re association with M. has done little to diminish their strength, I’d soon realize.

“Tell me some of the things you remember.”  Everything.  I remember it all, clearly.  I remember our first meeting, our first conversation, our first kiss under a firework lit sky and to the live sounds of Coldplay.  I remember the long public transit journey back to my place, and our inability to keep our lips apart.  I remember the first time I took you out to dinner, and how the waiter couldn’t bring the check fast enough when we were ready to leave.  I remember cooking meals together, I remember sleeping in together.  I remember it all.  They are memories that can never fade.

“Do you remember that time I was on top of you on your couch?  That was so intense!”.  Um…come again?  This was really unexpected.  Looking back, this is probably where I should have mentioned that I’m seeing someone.  Instead, I went with the flow.  Whiskey tends to induce poor judgement.

As we relived our many, many throes of passion, the conversation eventually came to a point where she proposed we get together.  She asked if I was still single.  Without hesitation, I told her the truth.  ”I’m seeing someone, but it’s hard to say how significant it is.  It’s our second time dating and it did not end well the first time, especially for me.”  She responded with, “I don’t want to step on any toes…”, then later, “Well if it’s not serious, what are you doing wasting your time with her?”, and finally, “I can’t believe you didn’t say you were seeing someone right away!  I asked you what was new, this is something new!  I can’t believe you let me open up like that…I feel deceived”.  I did sympathize, but I think the issue was more related to her not being able to get what she wanted at the drop of a hat.  The conversation came to an end not much later, with the words, “You need to end it with banana brains asap, I need you.”  Tempting.

The next day, my best friend was supposed to come into town to go watch the hockey game.  He had bought tickets months ago, and left them at my place the last time he visited.  Unfortunately for him, his car would not start, and so he would be forced to miss it.  As he said the words, “Find someone else to go with”, Jane came online.  Events could not have transpired more perfectly.  Almost without thinking, I asked her to join me.  ”What about banana? Wouldn’t she want to go?”, “Yes, but she isn’t the next person I would ask to come with me.  You and I haven’t been around each other since September.  I want to see you.”  And she accepted.

An opportunity arose, and I chose to capitalize on it.  I had wanted something like this to come around for so long, and now it was here.  What choice was there other than to take it?  But of course, Fate would not be Fate if it didn’t grant me this chance without the condition of (quite possibly) being in a relationship.  Over the next few hours, I contemplated my choice and the actions I would almost certainly take that evening.  I also thought about the feelings of regret I would have the next day, once the euphoria wore off.  With each passing minute, the anxiety of infidelity wrapped itself around me, an emotional suffocation of overwhelming magnitude.

It was too much.  I called another friend and asked him if he wanted to come with me.  Once he said yes, I told Jane that I could no longer take her because friend A. got his car working and was on his way.  Naturally she was upset.  ”I feel jerked around, you should never have offered in the first place”.  I know, babe, but the cost of my morals and my soul was just too high a price for a night of pleasure.  And what’s more, had that night led to us getting back together, I would have almost certainly planted the idea that I’m a cheater in your mind.  You would always think that I could be doing the same thing to you.  That, above all else, is not something I could ever risk.

We had a few more conversations over the weekend, but the heat of the moment has passed.  My foresight tells me that in a week, two at the most, she’ll forget about me once she settles into the rhythm of her second semester.  Though the idea of that makes me sad, I know it was for the best.

One encounter, One opportunity.  That is, until the next one comes along.

Posted in: lionheart by PrimeraEspada /
2 Comments

I really wanted to have this up before the start of the new year.  I started writing it on the 28th.  But for some reason I struggled.  And that’s mostly a good thing, as I mention again later.  I don’t feel the need to write as much when things are above sea level.  Anyway, here goes.

——-

I don’t think I will ever be without inner darkness.  No matter what the current state of my life is, it will always exist inside me, a symbiotic soul eater, feeding on my being.  The tragedies of my past can never be erased, so I must learn to live with them.

I’ve felt for some time now that my resurrection has been achieved.  Near the beginning of November I had a fairly intense realization about myself, and since then I’ve felt much less inclined to write out my emotions.  I felt, in retrospect, as though I had reached a new mental plateau, a higher level of self understanding and awareness.  Now I am better equipped to handle the responsibilities of this new phase of my life.

This past year has been tumultuous.  It started in personal chaos, and continued that way throughout.  I embarked on new adventures, in romance and in my professional life, and on each, I discovered what truly is important to me.  I have learned (or relearned) what it is I seek in women and relationships.  I have learned what kind of environment will promote success in my career.  I have learned the importance of gaining mastery over my inner universe, in order to peacefully exist in the randomness of the world.

All the lessons of this year have been significant in their own way, but the one I find the most interesting is with regards to interacting with women.  After a four and a half year relationship (which will forever be remembered as the most important bond of my youth), I had forgotten what it was like to be single and not codependent.  I’d become a grade-A wuss, and needed desperately to refine my game.  Through trial and error (or trial by fire) and some, uh, research, triggering attraction in women has become a lot less difficult.  Every encounter, every flirtation, is now an opportunity to practice the delicate art of seduction.

The last three months of the year saw a lot of reflection on my early days, and how that has shaped the person I am now.  For some time, throughout most of my twenties, I had put aside those memories, perhaps because I felt I could escape them, or that maybe they no longer had any meaning.  I now understand that this can never be true.  We are all a product of the road we have traveled.  To discount any aspect of that path is to neglect a part of who we are.

With this deeper understanding in hand,  I can now, a little more comfortably, begin my second act.  I can never be without my inner darkness.  I can, however, make it a part of me, a source of strength.  Anguish and harmony.  Shadow and light.  Yin and Yang.

Darkness…and joy.

Posted in: lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
3 Comments

I must apologize.  It’s been far too long since my last entry.  And sadly, I don’t really have a great excuse.  I’ve been wrapped up in my own head for the most part, swimming in a sea of mental and emotional growth.  Hopefully this serves as a quick summary of where I’ve been and where I’ll be going.  No promises to keep this regular in the near future.  If it happens, it happens.

I recently turned Thirty.  Surprisingly, there was no crisis like there was at twenty- five.  Instead I met it with a sort of welcoming and anxious serenity, the way one might feel just before embarking on a new adventure.  Within my mind things felt as though they were finally falling into place in the weeks leading up to my birthday.  Parts of my life and myself that I realized I never truly understood, the parts of emotional and mental strength, started making more sense.  I am eager to see how I meet what the new year will bring.

I’ve also been having the occasional dinner and “dancing” with M.  It’s hard to say what all of it has meant.  I’ve been very reluctant to invest more than the bare minimum of myself, but it’s not quite so easy to do.  Now, as before, she has found a way to charm my heart into the open, though this time, I’ve done so with caution.  Though she sometimes acts as though we are couple, I suspect that I’ll soon be discarded and forgotten, as seems to be the case with Jane.  I’ve learned to just enjoy the good things when they’re around.  The memories will provide comfort and tide you over during the bad times.

This year has been such a roller coaster.  Much has changed, much was lost, much insight has been gained.  Instead of looking to the new year with new hopes and wishes and resolutions, I’ve decided to summarize the things that 2009 has taught me.  Look to future entries, hopefully by the time 2010 rolls in, for me to detail the five things I’ve learned in what will be the last 365 days.

Posted in: lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
3 Comments

Sigh.  While I was nowhere near fully healed, I felt as though things were about to turn for the better.  And so they have.  In fact, things have come full circle.  The woman who prompted the creation of this blog, this virtual toilet for my thoughts, has made her way back into my life.  For how long, that remains to be seen.

I knew almost from the moment of my last breakup, in mid-September, that November would when the Universe would bring me a new adventure.  So, I wasn’t quite as surprised as I’d might otherwise be when the following exchange took place:

From: M

Subject: Blah

“Do you want to have dinner on Friday?”

Excuse me? I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Why would she decide to message me now of all times?  I don’t want this.  Right?  Best to sit on it, until my subconscious has had time to process and give a true reaction.  Later that day:

“Sure, that sounds like fun. How about that Greek place at the corner of your street?”

And then, over the next day or so,

“that sounds great, what time?”, ”We can meet there around 730. I can’t remember, is it a bring your own wine resto?”, “yes it is. i can bring ze vine”, “Ok sounds good. See you then”.

Great.  I have a date with the woman who unlocked my heart and crushed it in the space of twelve weeks.  I must be crazy, because at no point did I even consider the possibility of reawakened pain.  In fact, my only concern was whether or not her ulterior motive was for a sexual encounter, and if it wasn’t, whether or not I’d be able to turn it into one.  So as the week drew to an end, I took my time to disassemble and remove my heart, and tuck it safely out of harm’s reach.  On to the date.

I arrived at the resto calm, prepared.  There was to be no talk of the relationship, or relationships since, unless she was the one to bring it up.  ”This is pretty good wine, man it’s been so long since I’ve had a glass”.  Not quite awkward commentary, but far from thrilling.  Later I blurt out, “Oh wait, silly me, I had wine a couple of weeks ago when I had dinner with a friend.  She made me drink most of the bottle because she had to prepare for an upcoming exam”.  She sits up suddenly, curiosity burning in her eyes.  ”Which friend is this?”.  Oh, no one special, just my friend I’ve known since high school, who has a bachelor’s in bio chemistry, a master’s in anthropology, and is currently enrolled in McGill medicine.  You did well to hide the bit of jealousy I’m sure you felt.  Not long after, the question, “So have you been dating anyone?”, comes along.  Yeah, I went on a few dates over the summer, and got really serious with one girl (Jane), but it didn’t work out because of blah blah blah (see posts from late September).  ”That sounds hard”.  Yeah, it was, but it was a while ago, and I’m past it for the most part.

Eventually we finish dinner, and our wine, and we struggle to decide what to do next.  ”Would you like to get a drink somewhere?  Or did you want to just go home.  Er, I mean, like go home alone…”  Of course I want to hang out, and no, I most certainly do not want to go home alone.  I suggest we go to a bar near my place, one where we’ve been together a few times.  Her willingness to walk that far in the cold hinted that maybe she doesn’t want to go home alone either.  After a few drinks, she brings up our relationship.  Almost immediately she says she’s sorry that she was such an asshole.  She can barely remember how things unfolded, or who was the one to initiate the break up, something I found quite confusing.  She had talked about it with several friends, and she couldn’t understand why she broke up with someone who was clearly so wonderful.  She mentions that perhaps part of her hesitation was that she felt that maybe I was not her intellectual equal, something she feels is important to have in a relationship.  I wholeheartedly disagree.  Yes, you are working towards a Master’s in Philosophy, but Computer Engineering is no walk in the park.    Our realms of knowledge are at best incomparable.  Mine just happens to be hard or impossible to relate to by most people outside the domain.  And for the record, the breadth of my intellect extends far beyond the world of computing.  You just need to take the time to  look under the hood.  End rant.  I didn’t actually say any of this.

With a bit more discussion, I got the feeling this aspect was no longer as important, or that she was less close-minded about what she considers an intellectual equal.  It felt as though she was relating to me in a different way.  Eventually we finished our drinks, and stumbled around the block back to my place.  After a cigarette on the balcony, we went inside, and into the living room.  We then looked at each other with a, “who are we kidding look”, and hurried to the bedroom.  To get naked…and snuggle.  I had already told her several times that night that I couldn’t wait to fool around with her, but at that point, even I was overwhelmed by the alcohol.  I went in for a good night kiss, which lead to a good night grope, which then lead to good night sex (as well as good morning and good afternoon sex).  ”I forgot how huge you are”, she says in between breaths.  The whole experience was as good as I had remembered, and as good as I had built it up in my mind in the preceding days.

The next day was uncomfortable, uncomfortable because of how natural being around each other felt.  I kept yelling inside my head that I wanted her to leave, which I later realized was because I didn’t risk falling back into old patterns.  In the end however, I was glad she silently insisted on staying.  Seeing and being around her again in this clear and calmer state answered a lot of questions.  When I dropped her off Sunday morning before heading off to my weekly routine, she said, “See you soon…?” as she got out of the car, then peeked back in, as if to make sure I heard her.  I smiled and nodded, and then waved goodbye.

I’m still unsure how I really feel about the whole event.  I remind myself that I am not looking to get involved, but like her, I can’t help but miss the good times we did have over six months ago.  And she seems different now, a little wiser maybe, or perhaps a little less rigid in her desire for a perfect love.  Only time can provide the answer.

This dance with the past did teach me something important though, a lesson which might prove to be the final step towards resurrection.  At one point during our talk over drinks, M. said something that stopped my thoughts for more than a few seconds. “I should have ended it when I first knew that it wasn’t going to work, instead I cowardly waited for you to bring it up”.  I then reminded her that we in fact had two breakups, one of which did not stick, obviously, and that I felt that she had been direct with me (or as direct as I can expect) about how she felt concerning the relationship.  This triggered in me the realization that I have always been afraid to hurt someone the way I have been hurt in the past, the way I saw my mother hurt by my father.  I have been afraid to inflict heartbreak, have masked this fear with the rationalization that when I commit to a relationship, I do my absolute best to make it work.  Such a cop out.  Not all unions are meant to last, and so I should not approach love as if they are.  It’s simply unrealistic.

The final piece of the jigsaw, is how this until now hidden fear affected the most important relationship I’ve ever had.  My time with E. was a great learning experience, but even after the first six months, I felt there were signs that pointed towards us not working out.  From that point on, I always avoided serious discussions of a future together, because I did not want to go down that road until I was certain of how I felt.  This continued for another four years.  While I do not regret the time we spent together in any way, in retrospect I find my behavior unacceptable.  There were obvious times where my uncertainty in the relationship were apparent to her and others around us.  The sadness this caused her is clear to me now.

The only consolation here is that she was able to meet what just might be the love of her life, shortly after we separated.  Even though, I felt a lot of pain from this, I genuinely feel happy for her now.  I’m not sure I will ever tell her this, but at least it’s out there (Wow, I just felt a heavy weight being lifted as I typed that).  It’s nice to think that her time with me led her to where she is now, and that maybe I was not a complete waste of time.

As for myself, I think there will be a few more minor lessons before the year ends. For the most part, though, I think I’ve come to understand what the Universe has been trying to show me.  Where I go from here, is up to me.  And also up to my luck.

Posted in: lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /
5 Comments

“All the dread and anxiety of not knowing what’s coming, it’s pointless in the end.  Because the only cure for paranoia, is to be.  Here. As you are.”

I heard this quote a few weeks ago, at the end of an episode of Grey’s Anatomy (do not judge me!), and wrote it down almost immediately.  Subconsciously, it became a mantra.  I repeated these words to myself, in my dreams.  Eventually, it’s meaning took root, and my mind began to slow.  The only cure is to be, here, as you are.

Here I am, trying to exist.  It is impossible to live under this pressure, between a somewhat regretful past, and a future unfathomable.  Focusing solely on the now definitely alleviates some of the anxiety, but it also a state of mind difficult to sustain, particularly for someone who loves to dream of future possibilities.  In spite of that, I find myself adapting to life in the moment.  It seems to be the recurring lesson of this year.

The last few days have been intriguing, psychologically, specifically regarding my perception of my working environment.  After spending most of this year, my first at the company, riding the line between two sub-teams in my department, I feel like recently, I’m being fed healthier portions of responsibility.  What’s more, through this change, I’m discovering that the development practices in place are the kind that I’ve always wanted to be exposed to, back when I was in school, dreaming of future employment.  It also recently became clear that the direction our managers want to the product take falls in line with the aspect of software development I enjoy the most (a recent realization): systems architecture and research and development.  Coincidence or not, the professional aspect of my life seems to be falling into place.  It’s hard to complain about that, and this is without mentioning the other benefits and perks that come with the job.

So what’s left to be paranoid about?  Financial stability is all but on my doorstep.  My actions over the next few months will determine whether or not I’m really in recovery.  Romantically?  Well, I’m sure the picture has been made clear through my previous posts.  Unlike the professional and financial aspect of my life, there isn’t much I can do to influence what comes my way in terms of love.  The only thing to do is to allow myself to be out there, open to the possibilities, and ready to take action when opportunity arises.  The only thing to do, is to be.  Here. Now.

Posted in: Stormy Weather, lionheart by PrimeraEspada / Tags: paranoia

2 Comments

Faith:  Strong belief in supernatural powers that control human Destiny.

Bravery:  A quality of spirit that enables one to face danger or pain without showing fear.

Their definitions do not at first glance appear in direct opposition, but when one looks deeper at the implications of each, their relationship to one another becomes less clear.

To have faith, whether it is in God, the Universe, Karma, or the Cosmos, it is required that one surrenders to something intangible and external.  I have always had trouble with this.  I am an almost-man of practicality.  I need to see-feel-touch the things I believe in.  The term blind faith seems redundant because, well, faith implies that you cannot foresee the outcome of any given circumstance.  Faith, by its very nature, is blind.

I’ve always wondered how people can place their full trust into something they never truly interact with.  What is the foundation of one’s faith?  How can one know that everything will work out?  To say that, to me, is to accept that circumstance cannot be influenced by the will, and that, in the end, what is, is what was desired.  Really?  That sounds a little too convenient.  Isn’t it?

Bravery.  Courage.  Fortitude in the face of Fear.  Now this is something I have always got on well with.  In a way, bravery can be seen as faith in oneself.  Trusting that one has the psychological and emotional strength to deal with the highs and lows of reality is a powerful weapon in a world of uncertainty.  This self-belief comes easier to some than it does others.  Some are born with it.  Some are trained for it.  Some are forced to learn it in order to transcend hardship.

I think I’ve gained my Bravery from all three, but the largest influence in its development is definitely from the last source.  I haven’t had the hardest of lives, but it hasn’t nearly been the easiest either.  Though my family are mostly devout Christians, I have always tended to resist fully embracing the Word of God.  For whatever reason, I felt that simply trusting in some supernatural power to take care of my mortal soul was not enough get what I want out of life, or to go where I want to go in life.  Simply “leaving it up to Faith” seemed like a cop out.  If I want make something of myself, I have to pursue it.

This has worked out for most of my life so far.  Without self-belief, I would not have survived university.  Without self-belief, I would not have persevered through countless interviews and several less than ideal jobs.  Without the confidence of knowing that I have what it takes to survive and even thrive in this world, I would be nothing.  I am nothing if I am not brave.

But…I seem to be approaching the limits of what Bravery alone can do.  Not quite the end of the line, but it’s becoming clearer and clearer that in order to have more and be more, something else is needed.

Faith.

Not everything can be manipulated by will.  Not all aspects of our destinies are in hand.  Sometimes, it is necessary to just wait for the stars to align before action can be taken.  In these circumstances, Bravery is powerless.  Faith is what will help you get through it.  Faith in something external will keep you going until the proverbial moment of truth arrives.

I’ve finally come to understand.  To be…perfect…in life an individual needs healthy, if not equal, amounts of both.  Looking at history’s most notorious warriors (Genghis Kahn, Alexander The Great),  or fiction’s greatest characters (Frodo Baggins, Superman), they all seem to have traveled their road with Faith in one hand, Bravery in the other, and using each as required by the situation before them.

“I think a man does what he can until his destiny is revealed.” -Nathan Algren, The Last Samurai.

Faith and Bravery.  One of the many Yins and Yangs of existence.  Each possesses a little bit of the other in itself.  And to truly get anywhere, to become…complete, one must be both Faithful and Brave.

The road to fulfillment just became a little bit longer.  There is much work to do.

Posted in: lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada / Tags: Faith Bravery Fate

2 Comments

Posted in: lionheart by PrimeraEspada /
2 Comments