DarkJoy

A few nights ago I had one of the most disturbing dreams that I’ve had in quite some time.

I was back in high school, playing basketball during lunch, in the gym, just as I used to.  My team was made up of others in my grade, friends who I remember well, but haven’t seen in years.  Our opposition consisted mostly of the older, taller kids.  Though they should have had an easy time beating us, we had only lost the game by eight points.  Thirty-eight to thirty.  It felt like a victory.

When the game ended, we all stood around congratulating each other, saying things like “good game”, and, “we’ll get you next time”.  Suddenly, a loud, deafening sound shook the entire building.  It felt like the mother of all earthquakes combined with the thunderous roar of a rocket taking off.  Though the vibrations were tremendous, nothing seemed to be collapsing or falling over.  A few of us ran to the nearest exit to take a look outside.  We looked up and saw what looked liked a somewhat futuristic, space shuttle shaped commercial airliner, at least three times the size the largest jets in existence, slowly yet inexorably heading towards the school.

Panic ensued.  The sounds of the engines indicated that the jet had little or no control.  Those around me began running frantically to try and escape the aircraft’s path.  I stood in the doorway for a moment, attempting to ascertain the trajectory and eventual landing point of the craft.  At first it seemed as it would pass over us and to my left, clearing the school.  I began running towards the right.  When I looked up again, the aircraft made a slow and deliberate left turn, and in seconds i found myself staring right at its nose.  This plane was on a mission, it seemed, to destroy me and anyone else in the vicinity.

I headed back towards the school and into the gymnasium.  I did not believe there to be enough time to get out of harm’s way, but I had to try.  As I was making it to the back exit of the gym, I could hear the plane crash devastatingly into the ground.  I turned to look behind me and saw the mammoth right wing and right nacelle crash through the building’s wall.  Micro explosions took place as I watched the building shatter around me.  I stood still knowing it futile to try to survive.  As disaster rolled toward me, my vision faded to white.  I had died.  Everything stopped.

Seconds after the white blindness took over, I awoke, covered in sweat.  My heart was pounding but I wasn’t out of breath.  Wtf was that, I asked myself.  I got up to use the bathroom, then lay in bed for a while.  I eventually turned on my iPod to help get back to sleep.

This was the most vivid dream I had had in a very long time.  I can still recall every scene and every emotion clearly.  Later that day I looked up dream interpretations on what I felt were the most prevalent aspects of the nightmare (taken from dreammoods.com).

Victory:  To dream of victory over something, suggests that you are in need of some motivation or confidence in your abilities. Sometimes you need to imagine or visualize success before actually achieving it.

Sport:  To dream that you are playing a sport, signifies the learning of rules, talents, and the achieving of your goals. It also highlights the importance of cooperation, harmony, and teamwork. You need to be more of a “sport”. Alternatively, it represents your attitudes about sex as an aggressive act.

Disaster:  To dream that you are in a disaster, represents your personal anxieties and fears of change. You are afraid of not knowing what is in store for you in the future.

Die:  To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind.

White:  White represents purity, perfection, peace, innocence, dignity, cleanliness, awareness, and new beginnings. You may be experiencing a reawakening or have a fresh outlook on life.

What a collection of conflicting emotions, all of which I feel I’ve been experiencing recently, both professionally and in my (lack of a) romantic life.  The sources of anxiety are easy to identify, the largest one being the uncertainty of what the future holds.  My ability to sense what is coming, or to sense whether or not something  is coming seems to be out of order.  I can’t tell where I’m supposed to go, or what action I need to take.  I could argue that fear is overwhelming me and clouding my judgement, but…it seems as though there may be more to it than that.

I don’t like this feeling, but one thing is certain.  There is no way out of here.  Not any time soon.

Posted in: dark rants by PrimeraEspada /
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Sometimes, my grasp on reality is just too accurate for my own good.  Or maybe I just haven’t learned to fully trust my extra sensory perception and act accordingly.  I have a tendency to foresee how certain scenarios will play out, however when the risks involve my heart, I don’t often enough choose to avoid disappointment.  I guess I’m one to always try and beat the odds.  And lose.

A few weeks ago, as I mentioned in a previous post, Jane came back into my life.  She was seeking to reconnect, both physically and emotionally.  It wasn’t easy for her to express her desires, and when I told her I was currently involved, she reacted poorly.  However, it was clear to both of us that our business was far from over, and the plan was for me to free myself so that we could slowly try to pick up where we left off.  Very.  Slowly.  The last thing either of us needs is a repeat of the train wreck that was our last relationship.

We meant to take things slow, and for the most part that’s the way things went.  We never met face to face, nor did we speak on the phone.  As long as I was still tied to M., that’s all we would allow to pass between us.  Communication was limited to instant messaging and texts, but each exchange carried the weight of our pent up emotions.  We talked of sharing our lives together, coming home to each other, planning how to pay for our three children’s education.  The day dream was endless, and the possibilities found within, limitless.  It felt all too natural, and all too frightening, all at the same time.  I knew now, as I did then when we first started dating, that I was planning the rest of my life with my wife to be.  The unreal sensation was overwhelmingly familiar.

For some reason, I was not able to just embrace what laid before me.  Call it what you will (I like the words ‘Survival Instincts’), but I refuse to let myself get burned more than once by the same person.  Even if I did not have M’s feelings to consider, I still would not rush head first in to Jane’s embrace.  As such, I had no intention of making any rash choices, or to impulsively leap without properly assessing the situation.  Something inside me was compelling me to resist.  I knew the timing was not right, and that it would only lead us to the same end we saw the last time.

Three weeks after making her initial proposition, Jane decided to force my hand.  ”Why haven’t you taken care of that situation yet?”  Because it’s complicated.  I don’t know about you, but it isn’t easy for me to hurt someone’s feelings.  The conversation spun out of control from there.  All Jane could see (in my opinion) is what Jane wanted, and I wasn’t prepared to give in.  Eventually the talk reached a point where the same feelings she had back in September returned, and she was “turned right off”.  She ended the conversation shortly after that.

Even now I still don’t know what it is about the way we communicate that causes her to see red so easily.  I’m fairly certain it has nothing or little to do with anything I actually do or say, and that she simply reacts to the complexes I seem to trigger.  After a few days I reached out with a text, “Are you going to stay mad at me forever?”.  She eventually replied with an email:

“Hi,

I think its best for us to stop communicating. That fight or disagreement as you would call it turned me right off. We obviously don’t see eye to eye on much and I just feel that we will continue to clash.

Take care of yourself,”

Right to the point.  I don’t think I’ll ever understand how she can claim to love me so much, and then seemingly hate everything about me.  I guess that’s just her flavor of crazy.  In the end though, it takes two people willing to talk things out, and for whatever reason, she decided to shut down.  There’s no time like the present to put my most recent lessons to use.  Just roll with it.  Whatever is meant to be will be.  I’ve come to understand that I’m not really the kind of person that succeeds by bending the world to my will.  Rather, I have to bend myself to the world’s demands to get what I want.  In this particular circumstance, there’s no choice but to let it happen.

I knew things would end this way, but I still allowed my heart to get caught in the crossfire.  I’m both saddened and enraged by the way things turned out, and I now have to see about burying for the second time my intense feelings for her.  I don’t know if this really is it, or whether there’s more to come.  The dreams I’ve had in the last few days tells me that my soul isn’t ready to let go.  Maybe it never has.  Maybe it never will.

Posted in: dark rants by PrimeraEspada /
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I want to write.  I really really do.  The last month has seen it’s share of ups and downs (what else is new).  The difference now is that I’m not sure how I feel about what has been going on recently.  Relationships have become messy, but work is stable, and great.  A lot of this feels confusing, and trying to sort it all out is exhausting.  The more I ponder, the darker I feel.

I started this year trying to balance darkness and joy.  For a while there was more of the latter than the former, but in the last week or so, darkness has been struggling to come out and play.  I won’t fight it because I know it won’t do any good.  I’ve got to ride out the storm, let things be until the tide decides to turn yet again.

I’ll try again to write something more coherent in the next few days.  I need the release.

Posted in: dark rants by PrimeraEspada /
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Ahhhh.  Now this is familiar.  Not quite a physical illness, nor is it just a sickness of the psyche, this…dark feeling takes me back.  Back one year, to the end of my last job.  Back several years to failed relationships.  Back to high school, and back to childhood, both times enveloped in disappointment.

I shouldn’t be surprised to be revisited by my old comrade,  but I am.  For the last six weeks, I’ve been holding on to hope, trying to have faith that my patience for the whims of life will pay dividends.  Based on my self observation, it seemed to be working out well enough.  I’ve picked up the guitar again, and have rediscovered just how consumed I can become with it.  I’ve started following an online course, part of MIT’s Open Course Ware, which has inspired a new appreciation of my professional life.  I’ve yet to fall back into practicing Japanese, but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.  Because there is too much time available, I’ll no doubt need something else to take some of it up.

Yet…even with all this, there remains a shadow.  It appears at the very corner of my vision.  I can feel it, floating all around me, a black mist trailing behind me, inexorable in it’s advance.  It knows it will consume me.  I know it will consume me.  It’s simply a matter of time.  It won’t be long before the desire to self destruct overwhelms.  It won’t be long before the desperate need to drown out the darkness of my mind precedes all else.  I turn the volume of my music up to stop the sound of my own thoughts, but it isn’t enough.  Soon, in the midst of my hateful existence, I will fall into the shadow.

I hate you, SweetSpirit, for bringing me to this place.  You certainly made me take the long road, but I’m here all the same.  I hate you for having the strength of will to make yourself.  I hate you, dearest, for being exactly who I want you to be.  I don’t know if our paths will cross again.  It’s certainly not impossible, but it has long felt improbable.  Our disconnection feels complete, and I am powerless to undo it.  There’s nothing left but to become a Heartless Angel, destined for self-ruination.

Suteki da ne…

Posted in: Stormy Weather, dark rants by PrimeraEspada /
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My last relationship ended, two days ago, because the other party, let’s call her Jane, came to the decision that she does not have time for a new relationship at the moment. This conversation took place over MSN, which was probably considerate given that it is a thirty kilometer travel from my place to hers. After unhealthy amounts of overanalysis of the conversation transcript (yep, I saved that bad boy for many…many future rereads), I’ve more or less accepted her reason(s) as honest truth (and not a cop out). This is further supported by the fact that my own observations of the way the relationship was going led me to the same conclusion.

What started as hot and heavy and carefree and inspirational soon became an additional source of anxiety when Jane started her three year journey towards becoming a dental hygenist. This is her second attempt to pass through the school system, and she must figure out how to pay for it all on her own. It’s easy to see that these conditions would place anyone at their limits. There is little room for error, and academic second chances don’t come around often or without a high price (in time and money).

When I think back to my time in university, I remember that I never really entertained the thought of having a serious relationship. Part of that was because I was young and wanted to “experience life” without too many strings. But it was also because the schedules of a university student aren’t really schedules at all. The only real constant is the time you have to spend in class. Outside of that, knowing when you’ll have your next meal, knowing when you’ll go to bed, knowing when you’ll take a moment to relax is just a fantasy. If I did not see my friends at school or have classes with them, I rarely had time to see them. This was constant for the four years I was a student, except perhaps during the summer breaks. The few times that I did try to maintain a relationship, it only got off the ground because we shared a few classes together or because we were in the same department (or both). There was little effort required to see each other since we’d most likely both be spending our time outside of lectures in the library. Or the computer labs. I think if I had to make time to meet a significant other in between my study time (even after I had become used to that way of life), my stress levels would have easily doubled.

My own experiences with “walking your road to secure your future” has allowed me to cope with what is still a disappointing situation. Our short six weeks together, despite a few growing pains, was enough for me to see the potential that exists between us. Similar interests? Check. Physical chemistry? Check. Combination of the traits I’ve liked about various ex-girlfriends, such as tolerance, ambition, and genuine kindness, but never found them all in one person? Check. To quote my favorite band of all time, Incubus, “We [were] both aligned in frame of mind, but circumstance got us good”. The former romantic in me would be more inclined to believe that love really can conquer all (and maybe it can, over time), but my profound and rarely incorrect grasp of reality tells me that we can never underestimate the power of circumstance.

The silver lining? If I have to choose one, and right now I feel I must because, well, that’s who I am (hmm…my inner nihilist seems to be weakening…more on this later), I would probably say that it is this: I can now really try to get my shit together. No unnecessary distractions, no unnecessary obligations (other than to myself and family). I am finally comfortable (again) with my ability to attract female attention, and so it is no longer a priority. This month, the tide of my financial crisis finally took a turn for the better, though ever so slightly. With a little bit of discipline, I can keep it going in its current direction and start to climb out of this hole I’m partly responsible for.

So my (not so) final message to you, Jane? Courage, jeunne fille. I know you have the ability to make it through this endeavour. I fully embrace your decision to sever our romantic ties in order to maintain your priorities. I would advise any of my friends, and myself, to do the same thing in this situation. Truthfully, my hope is that somewhere down the line (sooner rather than later) we both find the time to continue what we began. But I won’t expect anything from you. I trust that you were being sincere when you said you want a friendship, most likely because that would allow you some form of male companionship when you can afford it. Whether or not that feeling remains in a month’s time, or beyond, well…we’ll see how that goes. If it’s still there, then I know that I am willing to play along.

I’ll see you when I see you.

Posted in: dark rants by PrimeraEspada / Tags: moment of clarity circumstance diamonds and coal

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I don’t really know what to say.  The cycle of good-bad-good-bad-good seems to never end.  About two months ago it was alternating on a daily basis.  One day good, the next day  bad.  I’d have a fulfilling day at work.  Then my car would get vandalised.  The cycle then lengthened to a weekly basis.  I would go on a few interesting dates, then my insurance company representative wouldn’t return my calls when the repair shop tried to get more money out of me.

Come August, things seemed to really stabilise.  The financial struggle was still as present as ever, but I was managing.  On the dating front, a relationship seemed to be forming, the way the universe was formed after the Big Bang.  Life…was good.  And I guess it still is.  But I just don’t get why the FUCK(!!) I still need to be kicked in the crotch with hurt.

In the span of 24 hours or so, said Big Bang relationship went from cloud nine to…well, mild bitterness.  Apparently, voicing my opinions during your everyday discussion about, oh I don’t know, school, work, or whether or not all women prefer clitoral stimulation over penetration, can set off alarms in ones head that this might lead to an abusive relationship (more likely a ghost of her past).  Apparently, the way I assert myself in these discussions can be overbearing to the point of condescension.  The latter may sometimes be true, though I always do my best to keep my tone body language assertive yet fair.  The former, however, is completely ludicrous.  Anyone who knows me, anyone who has dated me, will attest to this.  There are very few hidden surprises in this treasure box.

And yet, we may have passed the point of no return.  No real warning.  No real discussion (except the one to tell me that things are dangerously close to over).  No second chances.  Is there even a point to trying anymore?

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Oddly enough this post is heavily inspired by the last episode of Entourage. Turtle turns thirty, and his friends and girlfriend all buy him lavish gifts that he could never afford himself. While grateful, this only accentuates the feeling that he is a loser that has yet to accomplish anything for himself.

I by no means feel that I am a loser, and if I ever was, I have certainly overcome that. I do however, heavily relate to the feeling of not yet having made something concrete of myself. When I browse the profiles of my friends past and current on linkedin or facebook, I can easily visualize how they would say their job titles. Product manager. Network architect. Military search and rescue pilot. What do I sound like when I describe my job, even to those who get the jargon? Unsure. Submissive. Prideless.

I do however, feel that I am on a path that will take me to a position that I can be proud of and make it show. Later in the episode Ari tells Turtle that when he has paid his dues, when he can prove that he is capable of succeeding, that he should return, and he will give him the assistance he needs. I may or may not have paid my dues to society and to the universe but I must be willing to do whatever it takes to survive. And eventually excel. Anything less is undeserving.

Posted in: dark rants by PrimeraEspada / Tags: ressureccion rebirth manhood

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Dune reference.

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, and I’m starting to fear that the longer I take to force myself to transcribe my thoughts, the harder it will be to actually get it done.  I’ve started countless (okay, like 3) posts that have just ended up in the drafts folder because I couldn’t really find a direction after a few paragraphs.  There’s also the fact that the last 2+ weeks have been very haphazard in nature.

When I wrote my last post, I was hopeful of an imminent transformation.  No, I was hopeful that my resureccion was near.  The tide seemed to be turning in my favor, and I was preparing to ride the rising tide.  I did eventually go on a date with The Lioness(previously known as L.), but it wasn’t quite as soon as I’d hoped.  It was an extremely enjoyable evening, much more than I’d expected given that I was having to put out game in my second language, something I’ve never done before.  Since then, the momentum has been somewhat stalled.  She’s visiting her family in QC every weekend for the next month, so the only time we’ll be able to get together will be on weeknights.  Not the most ideal situation when trying to get to know someone.  In any case, it will be what it will be, and there is little (read: nothing) I can do to influence the outcome.

My life was really thrown of its axis last Thursday when a young 20-something woman decided to lose her mind.  She started her day, around 930 am, by dragging a couch into the middle of my street, dousing it in kerosene, and setting it ablaze.  She then tossed a few chairs into the mix, as well as two duffel bags of clothes.  As if that were not nearly enough of a rebellion, she then picked up a sledge hammer and took it to several car doors, windows and windshields.  Including my own.  I didn’t discover the damage until later that night when I was headed to a friend’s show.  I took the police report tucked under my wipers, went home, and proceeded to drink.  I then logged on facebook, and saw, completely by chance, that a friend made comment on a photo album of someone who lives on my street, who happened to photograph parts of the incident.  It was strange to see my car in the photo of a (cute) stranger.  She was kind enough to give me details of the incident, though she did decline my offer to take her out for coffee (heh, I had to try).  Here’s to hoping the repairs don’t take too long, and that my insurance company doesn’t try to screw me.

The good things.  Work is still satisfying, even if it is a little slow sometimes.  I don’t mind.  The conditions are far beyond what I’ve had to deal with in the past.  I really believe that I had to experience the near-horror work environments that I did in order to really appreciate what I have now.  I suspect that I’m being forced to learn this lesson in the realm of romance as well.  I have no idea how many heart breaks I’ll have to suffer through before the universe decides that I understand, but I accept that this is necessary.  It is necessary for my ego to be beaten into submission so that I can really learn to love.  And so I can learn to accept love.

Lisa (I swear if I keep calling you that, I’m going to forget you real name), as always, my hopes are with you.  You have the strength to get to where you want to go.  Just keep finding ways to hold your head high, and you’ll be alright.  And, I have no doubt your ruca will be along shortly.  ;)

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At last, understanding.   At last, my submission is complete.  The voices that once existed in my head are now silent.  Gone.  The Hand of Fate loosens its grip around my neck.  At last, I am calm.

I sit up in the darkness, mind and body rested, renewed.  With my own ego defeated, I am no longer in my own way.  The sound of the universe speaking is no longer muffled by my pride.  I can hear her words, guiding me.  Now, it may be truly possible to experience life.

—–

This past friday, I made a choice to do something different.  For some time, I’ve had the desire to go out to a bar at the end of the week for a drink.  Under what is considered normal circumstances, this kind of thing requires a partner or a group.  Somewhat unfortunately for me, my closest friends in the world no longer live in my city.  And for one reason or another, I have fallen out of sync with the friends that do live here.  So, in keeping with my recent embrace of solitude, I decided to venture out to a bar alone.

I got dressed as I normally would when going out, and went to the bar just around the corner from my apartment.  As I walked down my quiet residential street towards the noisy intersection, I questioned myself with every step.  I was, however, determined to see this through.

I arrived around 10:15, and it was pretty empty.  I sat at the bar somewhat apart from other customers, but in a seat that allowed me to see the entrance and the street.  At worst, this would be a night of people watching and of funny commentary to myself. In my nervous isolation, I resorted to texting an old friend while I nursed my first pint.  Meanwhile, a pair on the opposite side of the bar repeatedly bought a round of shooters for the people nearest to them, which I later realised were a separate party.

A strong gin & tonic, and another half pint consumed, I look at my watch.  It’s almost midnight.  The crowd hasn’t changed much, save for a few couples who’ve come and gone. I considered going home at this point, but eventually decided to stick it out.  After fiddling with my phone a little, I look up and see someone who I instantly knew would change the course of the night.

A girl who I recognised from work, L., sat directly across from me. She had come in with 2 guys who, one who turned out to be her cousin and roommate, and the other a friend from university.  She also seemed to know the staff at the bar as they all took turns greeting her.  And lastly, the bartender who’d been serving me all night took a seat next to her and greeted her with a peck on the lips.  I’d heard that L. was single from an older, female coworker who seems bent on getting me hooked up.  But perhaps she was mistaken.

L. eventually looked my way, with a look that would make any man stumble.  She then looked away quickly.  I smiled to myself at this point.  It seems she wasn’t ready to acknowledge me, but I had a lot of beer left and had no intention of leaving just as things were starting to get interesting.  A few moments later L. greeted me, and invited me over.  She introduced me to her 2 companions, and then we talked briefly about how surprising it was to see one another at that location.  It turns out that we live within a block of each other.

In between discussions with her friends, L. tells me that I am often the topic of conversation between some of the women at work.  I laugh, embarrassed.  After both her companions have gone, we begin to talk more intimately.  We both reveal that we’ve had an eye on the other for quite some time, and that our haphazard encounters in the hall on the way to the bathroom have been somewhat of a highlight.

The conversation then took a turn that is not suitable for minors.  But, almost as quickly as things began to heat up, she slammed on the breaks.  As much as she wanted to indulge in a night of passion, there were many things to consider.  Dating a coworker can always be risky, no matter how little interaction actually takes place between the two in the workplace.  If we were going to engage in office romance, it would probably be best to discuss it with a clear head first.  There was also the issue of the bartender, with whom she had already decided to end things.  After much not-so-subtle teasing, I decided to leave her to her business and go home with an I.O.U in hand. We’ll just have to see what the coming work week will bring.

My plan for a rebirth has started to bear fruit, it seems.  It is likely not a coincidence that on the first I decide to venture out alone, my courage is rewarded generously.  Had things gone differently, had I gone home without any significant encounter, I would not have the same level of confidence I do now, and it may have taken me a while to attempt this sort of thing again.

With the lesson learned, the next step, it seems, is to familiarize myself with my new Way.  Before attempting to walk along this new walk of life, I will first need to understand the new rules of this very old game.

Posted in: dark rants by PrimeraEspada /
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