Loneliness. September 19, 2009 at 8:38 pm
How I hate you. Try as I might, I can never truly escape you. Just when I think that I’ve been liberated from your cold, still embrace, the scenery changes and I am left holding your hand. You are both something and nothing, a ghost with the presence of a god. You make the air I breathe heavy and light. You are my greatest enemy and my oldest companion. You are Loneliness, and I hate you with all my heart.
The year 2009 has gone more or less as described in my yearly horoscope on astrology.yahoo.com:
“You tend to attract just about everything you want this year through your warmth and magnetic Sagittarian [charm.] That said, you may also go through some great transformational shifts in 2009 as you realize that your happiness no longer depends so much on possessions, but rather on the deeper meaning associated with things symbolic of love and sharing.”
At the end of last year I wanted a new, higher paying, more satisfying job. I got that. At the end of last year, I wanted to explore different kinds of relationships. Shorter in duration, no or very little commitment to each other. Great sex. I’ve had two this year so far. I’ve also wanted to explore proper methods of attracting women, and have. I have learned a lot in these last eight and a half months, and for the most part progress has been made.
This growth, this change, however, did not come without a price. The new job did not come without a (reasonably brief) period of unemployment, or without an extended period of financial stress (one that continues today, though significantly diminished). These short to really short term relationships did not come without significant pain at their end.
The year 2009 has been both a blessing and a curse. I have returned to my road of self discovery and am (re)gaining understanding about who I am, who I’ve become. My views about love and life are changing for the better. Simultaneously, my deepest fears that, upon self examination, were repressed during a time when life was simple, are now erupting to the surface of my psyche. The shadows of the past have come to light, so much so that they seem plain for everyone to see. My most common emotion is one of Dark Joy. A symbiosis of the pride of victory and the shame of defeat. Getting what you want at a high and unexpected price.
These transformational shifts, these…tests of inner strength, are taking their toll on my spirit. In hindsight, the reason behind most of my trials is eventually revealed. It seems that each challenge is necessary for me to become the man I desire to be. They are necessary for me to become a Man, period.
And yet, I am still afraid to face my deepest misgiving. I now realise that escaping the solitude I have come to know intimitely has been at the core of my desires. My new found desperation for romantic success was born from that desire. Each recent dance with love has temporarily filled the empty darkness of my loneliness, and at each of their ends, my soul was rattled by loneliness’ crashing return.
A few months ago I began a journey reconstruct myself. I was so distraught with life that I felt the only way to live again was to die. Die such a complete death that no remnants of my past self remained. Let go in order to resurrect.
I’m beginning to have my doubts as to whether or not a rebirth is possible. It’s starting to feel like there is no other side to come out of. My permanent home just might be this emptiness, with no one around.
I guess the question to ask is, would that be so terrible? Playing devil’s advocate for a moment, is there an upside to isolation? Or some deeper meaning?
“I am alone [...] I am jealous of the weak ones. The weak are allowed to congregate. I want to be weak. If that’s impossible…at least give me someone as strong as I am.”
Perhaps there is strength in solitude. Perhaps I am alone because I am too strong for the ones I’ve previously surrounded myself with. Perhaps I am too strong for the ones I’ve previously been intimate with. Perhaps…but, I hate Loneliness, and you seem love me.
I hate you with all my heart.
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