The Nihilist June 5, 2009 at 12:34 am
Two nights ago, I came across a new word while was reading online scans of one of my favorite Manga. Sue me. I have a dorky side.
This Manga features a group of characters called ‘Espada’. At a point in the story it is revealed that all ten of them each represent an aspect of death. Each one represents a reason why people die.
As this group makes up the antagonists in this story arc, their characters are only developed so far, and to varying degrees within the group. One Espada in particular has always stood out for me, and much moreso recently. It turns out his aspect is Nihilism. I had to look it up. Wiktionary defines it as follows:
“The belief that all endeavors are ultimately futile and devoid of any meaning”.
Heavy. This is EXACTLY how I feel these days. With regards to romance, of course.
Call me emo (seriously, that’s what I’ve become) but upon reading that, I felt relief, and a bit of joy. It felt great to discover that a single word exists that accurately describes my current emotional state. No matter how good or how bad I’ve been in a relationship (relatively speaking) the results have been more or less the same. Heartbreak.
I honestly don’t know why this happens or why the breakups always go the same way (we have a break up talk or two and then they do their finest to never speak to or see me again). I have dubbed myself, among other things, the most forgettable man in the world. There is no evidence that I am anything else to women.
Frankly, I am sick of it. I don’t claim to always be fair when I’m on the giving end of a break up, which has been rare, but I have never intentionally made someone feel worthless. I have never ever let someone feel like their kindness was unappreciated. Am I so easily discarded that I don’t even warrant a return phone call long after the air has cleared?
All of this has brought me to this point. The point where I wholeheartedly accept that, romantically, any endeavour will ultimately be futile and devoid of any meaning. The road I’ve been walking along has become so clouded and obscured that it is impossible to see my own hand at the end of my fully extended arm. Therefore, I’ve decided to stop walking, and instead sit on the gravelly shoulder. Any action I take will be useless anyway, so inaction it is.
Romantic Nihilism. Heartfelt futility. There is no escape.
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