DarkJoy

“All the dread and anxiety of not knowing what’s coming, it’s pointless in the end.  Because the only cure for paranoia, is to be.  Here. As you are.”

I heard this quote a few weeks ago, at the end of an episode of Grey’s Anatomy (do not judge me!), and wrote it down almost immediately.  Subconsciously, it became a mantra.  I repeated these words to myself, in my dreams.  Eventually, it’s meaning took root, and my mind began to slow.  The only cure is to be, here, as you are.

Here I am, trying to exist.  It is impossible to live under this pressure, between a somewhat regretful past, and a future unfathomable.  Focusing solely on the now definitely alleviates some of the anxiety, but it also a state of mind difficult to sustain, particularly for someone who loves to dream of future possibilities.  In spite of that, I find myself adapting to life in the moment.  It seems to be the recurring lesson of this year.

The last few days have been intriguing, psychologically, specifically regarding my perception of my working environment.  After spending most of this year, my first at the company, riding the line between two sub-teams in my department, I feel like recently, I’m being fed healthier portions of responsibility.  What’s more, through this change, I’m discovering that the development practices in place are the kind that I’ve always wanted to be exposed to, back when I was in school, dreaming of future employment.  It also recently became clear that the direction our managers want to the product take falls in line with the aspect of software development I enjoy the most (a recent realization): systems architecture and research and development.  Coincidence or not, the professional aspect of my life seems to be falling into place.  It’s hard to complain about that, and this is without mentioning the other benefits and perks that come with the job.

So what’s left to be paranoid about?  Financial stability is all but on my doorstep.  My actions over the next few months will determine whether or not I’m really in recovery.  Romantically?  Well, I’m sure the picture has been made clear through my previous posts.  Unlike the professional and financial aspect of my life, there isn’t much I can do to influence what comes my way in terms of love.  The only thing to do is to allow myself to be out there, open to the possibilities, and ready to take action when opportunity arises.  The only thing to do, is to be.  Here. Now.

Posted in: Stormy Weather, lionheart by PrimeraEspada / Tags: paranoia