DarkJoy

Ahhhh.  Now this is familiar.  Not quite a physical illness, nor is it just a sickness of the psyche, this…dark feeling takes me back.  Back one year, to the end of my last job.  Back several years to failed relationships.  Back to high school, and back to childhood, both times enveloped in disappointment.

I shouldn’t be surprised to be revisited by my old comrade,  but I am.  For the last six weeks, I’ve been holding on to hope, trying to have faith that my patience for the whims of life will pay dividends.  Based on my self observation, it seemed to be working out well enough.  I’ve picked up the guitar again, and have rediscovered just how consumed I can become with it.  I’ve started following an online course, part of MIT’s Open Course Ware, which has inspired a new appreciation of my professional life.  I’ve yet to fall back into practicing Japanese, but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.  Because there is too much time available, I’ll no doubt need something else to take some of it up.

Yet…even with all this, there remains a shadow.  It appears at the very corner of my vision.  I can feel it, floating all around me, a black mist trailing behind me, inexorable in it’s advance.  It knows it will consume me.  I know it will consume me.  It’s simply a matter of time.  It won’t be long before the desire to self destruct overwhelms.  It won’t be long before the desperate need to drown out the darkness of my mind precedes all else.  I turn the volume of my music up to stop the sound of my own thoughts, but it isn’t enough.  Soon, in the midst of my hateful existence, I will fall into the shadow.

I hate you, SweetSpirit, for bringing me to this place.  You certainly made me take the long road, but I’m here all the same.  I hate you for having the strength of will to make yourself.  I hate you, dearest, for being exactly who I want you to be.  I don’t know if our paths will cross again.  It’s certainly not impossible, but it has long felt improbable.  Our disconnection feels complete, and I am powerless to undo it.  There’s nothing left but to become a Heartless Angel, destined for self-ruination.

Suteki da ne…

Posted in: Stormy Weather, dark rants by PrimeraEspada /