DarkJoy

Sigh.  While I was nowhere near fully healed, I felt as though things were about to turn for the better.  And so they have.  In fact, things have come full circle.  The woman who prompted the creation of this blog, this virtual toilet for my thoughts, has made her way back into my life.  For how long, that remains to be seen.

I knew almost from the moment of my last breakup, in mid-September, that November would when the Universe would bring me a new adventure.  So, I wasn’t quite as surprised as I’d might otherwise be when the following exchange took place:

From: M

Subject: Blah

“Do you want to have dinner on Friday?”

Excuse me? I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Why would she decide to message me now of all times?  I don’t want this.  Right?  Best to sit on it, until my subconscious has had time to process and give a true reaction.  Later that day:

“Sure, that sounds like fun. How about that Greek place at the corner of your street?”

And then, over the next day or so,

“that sounds great, what time?”, ”We can meet there around 730. I can’t remember, is it a bring your own wine resto?”, “yes it is. i can bring ze vine”, “Ok sounds good. See you then”.

Great.  I have a date with the woman who unlocked my heart and crushed it in the space of twelve weeks.  I must be crazy, because at no point did I even consider the possibility of reawakened pain.  In fact, my only concern was whether or not her ulterior motive was for a sexual encounter, and if it wasn’t, whether or not I’d be able to turn it into one.  So as the week drew to an end, I took my time to disassemble and remove my heart, and tuck it safely out of harm’s reach.  On to the date.

I arrived at the resto calm, prepared.  There was to be no talk of the relationship, or relationships since, unless she was the one to bring it up.  ”This is pretty good wine, man it’s been so long since I’ve had a glass”.  Not quite awkward commentary, but far from thrilling.  Later I blurt out, “Oh wait, silly me, I had wine a couple of weeks ago when I had dinner with a friend.  She made me drink most of the bottle because she had to prepare for an upcoming exam”.  She sits up suddenly, curiosity burning in her eyes.  ”Which friend is this?”.  Oh, no one special, just my friend I’ve known since high school, who has a bachelor’s in bio chemistry, a master’s in anthropology, and is currently enrolled in McGill medicine.  You did well to hide the bit of jealousy I’m sure you felt.  Not long after, the question, “So have you been dating anyone?”, comes along.  Yeah, I went on a few dates over the summer, and got really serious with one girl (Jane), but it didn’t work out because of blah blah blah (see posts from late September).  ”That sounds hard”.  Yeah, it was, but it was a while ago, and I’m past it for the most part.

Eventually we finish dinner, and our wine, and we struggle to decide what to do next.  ”Would you like to get a drink somewhere?  Or did you want to just go home.  Er, I mean, like go home alone…”  Of course I want to hang out, and no, I most certainly do not want to go home alone.  I suggest we go to a bar near my place, one where we’ve been together a few times.  Her willingness to walk that far in the cold hinted that maybe she doesn’t want to go home alone either.  After a few drinks, she brings up our relationship.  Almost immediately she says she’s sorry that she was such an asshole.  She can barely remember how things unfolded, or who was the one to initiate the break up, something I found quite confusing.  She had talked about it with several friends, and she couldn’t understand why she broke up with someone who was clearly so wonderful.  She mentions that perhaps part of her hesitation was that she felt that maybe I was not her intellectual equal, something she feels is important to have in a relationship.  I wholeheartedly disagree.  Yes, you are working towards a Master’s in Philosophy, but Computer Engineering is no walk in the park.    Our realms of knowledge are at best incomparable.  Mine just happens to be hard or impossible to relate to by most people outside the domain.  And for the record, the breadth of my intellect extends far beyond the world of computing.  You just need to take the time to  look under the hood.  End rant.  I didn’t actually say any of this.

With a bit more discussion, I got the feeling this aspect was no longer as important, or that she was less close-minded about what she considers an intellectual equal.  It felt as though she was relating to me in a different way.  Eventually we finished our drinks, and stumbled around the block back to my place.  After a cigarette on the balcony, we went inside, and into the living room.  We then looked at each other with a, “who are we kidding look”, and hurried to the bedroom.  To get naked…and snuggle.  I had already told her several times that night that I couldn’t wait to fool around with her, but at that point, even I was overwhelmed by the alcohol.  I went in for a good night kiss, which lead to a good night grope, which then lead to good night sex (as well as good morning and good afternoon sex).  ”I forgot how huge you are”, she says in between breaths.  The whole experience was as good as I had remembered, and as good as I had built it up in my mind in the preceding days.

The next day was uncomfortable, uncomfortable because of how natural being around each other felt.  I kept yelling inside my head that I wanted her to leave, which I later realized was because I didn’t risk falling back into old patterns.  In the end however, I was glad she silently insisted on staying.  Seeing and being around her again in this clear and calmer state answered a lot of questions.  When I dropped her off Sunday morning before heading off to my weekly routine, she said, “See you soon…?” as she got out of the car, then peeked back in, as if to make sure I heard her.  I smiled and nodded, and then waved goodbye.

I’m still unsure how I really feel about the whole event.  I remind myself that I am not looking to get involved, but like her, I can’t help but miss the good times we did have over six months ago.  And she seems different now, a little wiser maybe, or perhaps a little less rigid in her desire for a perfect love.  Only time can provide the answer.

This dance with the past did teach me something important though, a lesson which might prove to be the final step towards resurrection.  At one point during our talk over drinks, M. said something that stopped my thoughts for more than a few seconds. “I should have ended it when I first knew that it wasn’t going to work, instead I cowardly waited for you to bring it up”.  I then reminded her that we in fact had two breakups, one of which did not stick, obviously, and that I felt that she had been direct with me (or as direct as I can expect) about how she felt concerning the relationship.  This triggered in me the realization that I have always been afraid to hurt someone the way I have been hurt in the past, the way I saw my mother hurt by my father.  I have been afraid to inflict heartbreak, have masked this fear with the rationalization that when I commit to a relationship, I do my absolute best to make it work.  Such a cop out.  Not all unions are meant to last, and so I should not approach love as if they are.  It’s simply unrealistic.

The final piece of the jigsaw, is how this until now hidden fear affected the most important relationship I’ve ever had.  My time with E. was a great learning experience, but even after the first six months, I felt there were signs that pointed towards us not working out.  From that point on, I always avoided serious discussions of a future together, because I did not want to go down that road until I was certain of how I felt.  This continued for another four years.  While I do not regret the time we spent together in any way, in retrospect I find my behavior unacceptable.  There were obvious times where my uncertainty in the relationship were apparent to her and others around us.  The sadness this caused her is clear to me now.

The only consolation here is that she was able to meet what just might be the love of her life, shortly after we separated.  Even though, I felt a lot of pain from this, I genuinely feel happy for her now.  I’m not sure I will ever tell her this, but at least it’s out there (Wow, I just felt a heavy weight being lifted as I typed that).  It’s nice to think that her time with me led her to where she is now, and that maybe I was not a complete waste of time.

As for myself, I think there will be a few more minor lessons before the year ends. For the most part, though, I think I’ve come to understand what the Universe has been trying to show me.  Where I go from here, is up to me.  And also up to my luck.

Posted in: lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /