DarkJoy

I really wanted to have this up before the start of the new year.  I started writing it on the 28th.  But for some reason I struggled.  And that’s mostly a good thing, as I mention again later.  I don’t feel the need to write as much when things are above sea level.  Anyway, here goes.

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I don’t think I will ever be without inner darkness.  No matter what the current state of my life is, it will always exist inside me, a symbiotic soul eater, feeding on my being.  The tragedies of my past can never be erased, so I must learn to live with them.

I’ve felt for some time now that my resurrection has been achieved.  Near the beginning of November I had a fairly intense realization about myself, and since then I’ve felt much less inclined to write out my emotions.  I felt, in retrospect, as though I had reached a new mental plateau, a higher level of self understanding and awareness.  Now I am better equipped to handle the responsibilities of this new phase of my life.

This past year has been tumultuous.  It started in personal chaos, and continued that way throughout.  I embarked on new adventures, in romance and in my professional life, and on each, I discovered what truly is important to me.  I have learned (or relearned) what it is I seek in women and relationships.  I have learned what kind of environment will promote success in my career.  I have learned the importance of gaining mastery over my inner universe, in order to peacefully exist in the randomness of the world.

All the lessons of this year have been significant in their own way, but the one I find the most interesting is with regards to interacting with women.  After a four and a half year relationship (which will forever be remembered as the most important bond of my youth), I had forgotten what it was like to be single and not codependent.  I’d become a grade-A wuss, and needed desperately to refine my game.  Through trial and error (or trial by fire) and some, uh, research, triggering attraction in women has become a lot less difficult.  Every encounter, every flirtation, is now an opportunity to practice the delicate art of seduction.

The last three months of the year saw a lot of reflection on my early days, and how that has shaped the person I am now.  For some time, throughout most of my twenties, I had put aside those memories, perhaps because I felt I could escape them, or that maybe they no longer had any meaning.  I now understand that this can never be true.  We are all a product of the road we have traveled.  To discount any aspect of that path is to neglect a part of who we are.

With this deeper understanding in hand,  I can now, a little more comfortably, begin my second act.  I can never be without my inner darkness.  I can, however, make it a part of me, a source of strength.  Anguish and harmony.  Shadow and light.  Yin and Yang.

Darkness…and joy.

Posted in: lionheart, resurreccion by PrimeraEspada /