DarkJoy

Ichi-go, Ichi-e.  This was the title of a blog I had years ago.  The idea behind this expression is to treat every encounter as if it were the last, to never think “there will always be a next time”.  I’ve always thought that this creed is meant to free one’s mind, so that we learn to act without hesitation in order to acquire the things we desire.  It’s not a bad philosophy, in my opinion.  However, this past weekend, I was reminded that seizing the day never comes without a cost.

It was late friday night.  I was home alone, going head to head with a bottle of Jameson, blasting through season two of Rescue Me, when her first message came (via msn):

“Hey, are you busy?”, “Not with anything important. What’s up?”, “Nothing much.  I just wanted to chat”.

I had had a few conversations with Jane since she started her winter break in early December, but already I could feel the difference in tone.  The stars were about to align to give me something almost unimaginable.

“I miss our dinners.  I miss us going out.”  So do I, though it had been a while since I buried those feelings.  They still exist, surprisingly.  My re association with M. has done little to diminish their strength, I’d soon realize.

“Tell me some of the things you remember.”  Everything.  I remember it all, clearly.  I remember our first meeting, our first conversation, our first kiss under a firework lit sky and to the live sounds of Coldplay.  I remember the long public transit journey back to my place, and our inability to keep our lips apart.  I remember the first time I took you out to dinner, and how the waiter couldn’t bring the check fast enough when we were ready to leave.  I remember cooking meals together, I remember sleeping in together.  I remember it all.  They are memories that can never fade.

“Do you remember that time I was on top of you on your couch?  That was so intense!”.  Um…come again?  This was really unexpected.  Looking back, this is probably where I should have mentioned that I’m seeing someone.  Instead, I went with the flow.  Whiskey tends to induce poor judgement.

As we relived our many, many throes of passion, the conversation eventually came to a point where she proposed we get together.  She asked if I was still single.  Without hesitation, I told her the truth.  ”I’m seeing someone, but it’s hard to say how significant it is.  It’s our second time dating and it did not end well the first time, especially for me.”  She responded with, “I don’t want to step on any toes…”, then later, “Well if it’s not serious, what are you doing wasting your time with her?”, and finally, “I can’t believe you didn’t say you were seeing someone right away!  I asked you what was new, this is something new!  I can’t believe you let me open up like that…I feel deceived”.  I did sympathize, but I think the issue was more related to her not being able to get what she wanted at the drop of a hat.  The conversation came to an end not much later, with the words, “You need to end it with banana brains asap, I need you.”  Tempting.

The next day, my best friend was supposed to come into town to go watch the hockey game.  He had bought tickets months ago, and left them at my place the last time he visited.  Unfortunately for him, his car would not start, and so he would be forced to miss it.  As he said the words, “Find someone else to go with”, Jane came online.  Events could not have transpired more perfectly.  Almost without thinking, I asked her to join me.  ”What about banana? Wouldn’t she want to go?”, “Yes, but she isn’t the next person I would ask to come with me.  You and I haven’t been around each other since September.  I want to see you.”  And she accepted.

An opportunity arose, and I chose to capitalize on it.  I had wanted something like this to come around for so long, and now it was here.  What choice was there other than to take it?  But of course, Fate would not be Fate if it didn’t grant me this chance without the condition of (quite possibly) being in a relationship.  Over the next few hours, I contemplated my choice and the actions I would almost certainly take that evening.  I also thought about the feelings of regret I would have the next day, once the euphoria wore off.  With each passing minute, the anxiety of infidelity wrapped itself around me, an emotional suffocation of overwhelming magnitude.

It was too much.  I called another friend and asked him if he wanted to come with me.  Once he said yes, I told Jane that I could no longer take her because friend A. got his car working and was on his way.  Naturally she was upset.  ”I feel jerked around, you should never have offered in the first place”.  I know, babe, but the cost of my morals and my soul was just too high a price for a night of pleasure.  And what’s more, had that night led to us getting back together, I would have almost certainly planted the idea that I’m a cheater in your mind.  You would always think that I could be doing the same thing to you.  That, above all else, is not something I could ever risk.

We had a few more conversations over the weekend, but the heat of the moment has passed.  My foresight tells me that in a week, two at the most, she’ll forget about me once she settles into the rhythm of her second semester.  Though the idea of that makes me sad, I know it was for the best.

One encounter, One opportunity.  That is, until the next one comes along.

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