DarkJoy

Sometimes, my grasp on reality is just too accurate for my own good.  Or maybe I just haven’t learned to fully trust my extra sensory perception and act accordingly.  I have a tendency to foresee how certain scenarios will play out, however when the risks involve my heart, I don’t often enough choose to avoid disappointment.  I guess I’m one to always try and beat the odds.  And lose.

A few weeks ago, as I mentioned in a previous post, Jane came back into my life.  She was seeking to reconnect, both physically and emotionally.  It wasn’t easy for her to express her desires, and when I told her I was currently involved, she reacted poorly.  However, it was clear to both of us that our business was far from over, and the plan was for me to free myself so that we could slowly try to pick up where we left off.  Very.  Slowly.  The last thing either of us needs is a repeat of the train wreck that was our last relationship.

We meant to take things slow, and for the most part that’s the way things went.  We never met face to face, nor did we speak on the phone.  As long as I was still tied to M., that’s all we would allow to pass between us.  Communication was limited to instant messaging and texts, but each exchange carried the weight of our pent up emotions.  We talked of sharing our lives together, coming home to each other, planning how to pay for our three children’s education.  The day dream was endless, and the possibilities found within, limitless.  It felt all too natural, and all too frightening, all at the same time.  I knew now, as I did then when we first started dating, that I was planning the rest of my life with my wife to be.  The unreal sensation was overwhelmingly familiar.

For some reason, I was not able to just embrace what laid before me.  Call it what you will (I like the words ‘Survival Instincts’), but I refuse to let myself get burned more than once by the same person.  Even if I did not have M’s feelings to consider, I still would not rush head first in to Jane’s embrace.  As such, I had no intention of making any rash choices, or to impulsively leap without properly assessing the situation.  Something inside me was compelling me to resist.  I knew the timing was not right, and that it would only lead us to the same end we saw the last time.

Three weeks after making her initial proposition, Jane decided to force my hand.  ”Why haven’t you taken care of that situation yet?”  Because it’s complicated.  I don’t know about you, but it isn’t easy for me to hurt someone’s feelings.  The conversation spun out of control from there.  All Jane could see (in my opinion) is what Jane wanted, and I wasn’t prepared to give in.  Eventually the talk reached a point where the same feelings she had back in September returned, and she was “turned right off”.  She ended the conversation shortly after that.

Even now I still don’t know what it is about the way we communicate that causes her to see red so easily.  I’m fairly certain it has nothing or little to do with anything I actually do or say, and that she simply reacts to the complexes I seem to trigger.  After a few days I reached out with a text, “Are you going to stay mad at me forever?”.  She eventually replied with an email:

“Hi,

I think its best for us to stop communicating. That fight or disagreement as you would call it turned me right off. We obviously don’t see eye to eye on much and I just feel that we will continue to clash.

Take care of yourself,”

Right to the point.  I don’t think I’ll ever understand how she can claim to love me so much, and then seemingly hate everything about me.  I guess that’s just her flavor of crazy.  In the end though, it takes two people willing to talk things out, and for whatever reason, she decided to shut down.  There’s no time like the present to put my most recent lessons to use.  Just roll with it.  Whatever is meant to be will be.  I’ve come to understand that I’m not really the kind of person that succeeds by bending the world to my will.  Rather, I have to bend myself to the world’s demands to get what I want.  In this particular circumstance, there’s no choice but to let it happen.

I knew things would end this way, but I still allowed my heart to get caught in the crossfire.  I’m both saddened and enraged by the way things turned out, and I now have to see about burying for the second time my intense feelings for her.  I don’t know if this really is it, or whether there’s more to come.  The dreams I’ve had in the last few days tells me that my soul isn’t ready to let go.  Maybe it never has.  Maybe it never will.

Posted in: dark rants by PrimeraEspada /