DarkJoy

Last weekend I ended things with M.  For the past several weeks, there had been a noticeable decline in desire to maintain the relationship on both ends.  The few times that we did hang out recently felt more like a charade rather than a relaxing evening.  So in the interest of keeping my slate clean, I decided to take out the trash rid myself of what just wasn’t working.

Admittedly, it wasn’t an easy choice to make.  Though I was reluctant at first to let myself get involved with M., there were still residual feelings left over from our first get together.  After a few weeks, I stopped fighting my feelings and decided to let myself enjoy her company, for as long as it would last.  I wasn’t surprised though, when I noticed a change in our dynamic.  It happened before in the same way.  She started showing signs of her depression returning, so I knew it was a matter of time before things would degrade.  Having been here before and learned from our previous association, I decided to get out while I was still relatively unharmed.

The conversation was a lot less pleasant than I thought it would be.  First texts were exchanged, and then a phone call.  I started by saying that I thought it was becoming pointless to be together when we’re barely going through the motions.  She accused me of not taking enough initiative, and always following her cues.  I told her she only sees it that way because she forgets about the times where I’ve called to make plans and she’s either already busy, or she blew me off because she was asleep for 12 hours (a side effect of her depression).  In the end, our talk was not very civil, and she eventually stopped listening to anything I had to say.  At one point the words “I’m not some rent-a-girlfriend”, and “I have plans for my life that don’t involve a man” were barked.  The call ended after she said very fervently, “I can’t give you any more than this.  I have too many problems to have to deal with this too.  If you want to fix this go ahead and do it”.  Click.  Sayonara.

She’ll probably come out of her dementia in the not to distant future realizing just how ludicrous her perception was at this time.  And then, just at she did when we first reconnected, she’ll likely seek to rekindle what we had.  The difference will be that I have no more questions left to answer.  I can say now without any doubt that she is not someone that I could ever have a happy relationship with.  I even have a hard time picturing us as friends.  There are just far to many differences in our ways of being, and her mental state is far too unpredictable.  Farewell M.,  I wish you good luck in the rest of your life.

And then there’s Jane.  It’s been more than two weeks since she cut me loose and there’s still been no sign of her.  I learned from a mutual friend that she abandoned her academic pursuits.  Apparently it just wasn’t for her.  It makes me sad to hear this because I know how much she wanted to do it.  The other side of the coin is that now the only thing that stands in our way…is us.

Probably against my better judgement, I emailed her to let her know that I was no longer involved, and that, if she is willing, we are free to explore what exists between us.  I figured that it’s worth one last attempt at reconciliation.  That was nearly five days ago, and still no reply.  I’m not expecting much.

While it’s clear that the high on which I entered this new year has subsided significantly, I’m not really down about any of it.  A part of me really feels that I should leave all the negativity of 2009 where it is, gone and buried.  There are far too many new opportunities just waiting to be seized, and far to many (relatively) sane and stable women (I hope) available for me to continue wasting my time with the ones who want to play needless games.

Onward then,  to the next adventure…

Posted in: lionheart by PrimeraEspada /