Come, Griever. March 3, 2010 at 1:27 am
Straight to the point. Jane finally came back. We talked briefly over MSN, where she told me about her decision to end her pursuit to become a dental hygienist. She tried her best, but in the end she felt that she wasn’t going to make it. I sympathized deeply with her. It’s not easy to give up on a dream.
She said that she was sorry to leave me hanging for so long, but that she just needed to think (where have I heard this before…). The last couple of weeks had been confusing for her. She felt very lost without her sense of ambition, and was not sure what direction to take next. I told her that what’s important now is for her to figure out her life, there’ll be time for us to talk later.
Eventually she asked me if I’d be able to accompany her to church sometime soon. We’ve had discussions about faith in the past, and she expressed that it was important to her to have a partner that had the same embrace as she. My family is heavily Christian but I’ve never fully gotten behind the idea of organised religion. However, because it was important to her, and she was important to me, I told her I was willing to re-explore my faith. At that time, this answer seemed good for her, but in our last conversation, her tune changed. Suddenly, it was important to have that figured out before there was a chance of us exploring our relationship. Needless to say that was a major w.t.f moment.
I told her that I’d like to discuss that issue as well as the many others that have been sitting on the back burner face to face, where it will be much easier to understand each other. Despite my wishes she insisted on having a discussion then and there, one that lasted more than an hour. After several misunderstandings, the talk ended on a note that was not very satisfactory for either of us, but with a tone that seem to leave the door open for further discussion and understanding. This morning she emailed me to say that 1) she absolutely does not want to be with someone who isn’t of the same faith as she, nor does she want to have it forced upon a potential partner, and 2) that she feels there are other aspects of our personalities that don’t mesh that she cannot get passed. She “knows deep down” that we are not right for each other. That is quite a different song from the one she sung just over a month ago.
I replied telling her that differences will always exist in a relationship and that that is normal. She and I have many differences, and we also share many powerful similarities. At this point however, it is becoming painfully clear that certain differences between us will never be overcome, nor will some be accepted by the other. She won’t accept my apparent lack of faith. I won’t accept her seeming unwillingness to compromise about any issue. I sense that it will always be one demand (or excuse) after another with her, and that she will never really be satisfied. I can tolerate a lot of things, but this isn’t one of them.
So that is that. The end of this dramatic saga. I felt upset initially, but as the day went on, I’ve come to accept that this is the best way to end things. It would have become messy down the line, and the last thing I need is another source of hatred in my heart. One thing that worries me is the effect that this string of failed relationships and reconciliations will have on my outlook. Not long ago I was too eager to love. Now, it is the opposite. I fear that my capacity to care deeply about someone is dwindling, and that soon, there may be nothing left for me to give.
One might say that with time, the capacity to love is replenished. I’m not so sure anymore…
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