I Feel It In My Blood. March 7, 2010 at 7:55 pm
There is no other way, no other road, but the one put before me. Obstacle ridden, and filled with challenges yet to be discovered, it is the path I must walk if a chance at long lasting happiness is to be mine. Admittedly, I have been afraid to move forward without any assurances. However, somewhere inside, in the deepest corners of my soul, I know that this is the course I must follow.
In the last few days, I’ve struggled to let go of a situation that on the surface does not appear to be good for me. Jane essentially gave me two choices: become a man of (Christian) Faith, or leave. As someone who does not respond well to ultimatums, or any form of bullying, my first reaction was to stand my ground. Even when being pressured into something that will likely benefit me, I resist, defiantly. Since our last discussion however, I’ve realized that I can’t simply walk away. Whatever strength I thought I had pales in comparison to the forces that draw me to her. For whatever reason, I simply can’t let go.
I’ve been here before. See any of my posts for the month of September and October. Once again, as hard as I try to accept that it is game over between us, I just can’t. I can’t give up as long as I know there is still something that can be done to turn it all around. This morning I woke up knowing what I have to do. Come next Sunday, I’ll go forward, unafraid, to possibly meet my destiny. And I’ll leave it up to God, Fate, or the Universe (whatever you want to call it) to decide what will be.
“As long as we proceed with everything we have, success is not impossible.” That’s all there is to it.
There’s no time like spring to unearth our truest longings, take a new look at an old possibility and let yourself hope for something exciting and new.
I admire you for gathering the courage required to help this hope/wish/dream soar…
Thanks for your support Shannikins! I bet you’re gonna hate that one.
Believe me the idea of it still scares me, but misery scares me more. And honestly, I’m a bit stubborn when it comes to giving up on things. I hate losing, and I REALLY hate knowing that I didn’t try my best to make something work. I also had a pretty long talk with my mom, in part to make sure that doing something like this isn’t totally crazy. That helped get me more comfortable with it all.
So…we’ll see.
I have a lot of experience with trying to ”make it work” for all the right (or wrong) reasons. You are exactly where you are meant to be.
Althought I like my new nickname, Shancakes is still epic.
You can try Christianity. Just like trying anything else new… try not to treat it differently than anything else that might benefit you.
Well the good news is that Christianity is nothing new to you… In fact, you know lots about it thanks to your Mama! By doing this, I really think (and really really hope) it is going to guarantee some happiness in the future.
Let’s just hope that Jane is also willing to face the truth about her attitude, behavior and what she wants out of life. I would just not give her anymore chances if she finds another excuse not to be with you even after you have given you best efforts!
*your* best efforts…. oups! Darn pregnancy brain!!!!
Thanks for the words of wisdom guys. I’ll definitely try to approach it as something that can be good for me, and try to keep an open perspective.
And yeah, you’re right shans…I doubt even I will find a way to “do something more to fix it” if this doesn’t work out. Right now I have it in my mind that whatever happens either way, I’ll be okay with.
Of course I fully expect to freak on Sunday morning…