DarkJoy

I’m having trouble understanding my current feelings.  The mood changes more frequently than the winds, and each one is as fleeting as a cool breeze on a summer evening.  I have no idea where I am.  But I think I know where I’m going.

I’ve been looking over a lot of my posts, the ones made between September and now.  Surprisingly, I’ve at times found rereading my past thoughts comforting.  They serve as a reminder that I’ve been through it all before, and that I have survived.  I can relax somewhat knowing that, with patience, I will be just fine.  At other times, they only make me feel worse.  They paint an overly vivid picture of my state of mind during some of my more emotionally trying periods.  As I consume my words, a veil of darkness rolls in, encasing me in solitude, that all too familiar durance.

I can’t seem to figure out how I’m supposed to feel.  The current situation between you know who and I…doesn’t feel wrong.  I know that there is no other way for it to be right now.  I can’t even imagine what the last few days would have been like had she not had her change of heart.  In my mind there is no alternative. Perhaps last week was only meant to refresh the memories of last August.  I feel as if I have wholeheartedly accepted that the timing of it all was completely off, but I also sense that it was not a week without purpose.  I actually feel excited about the idea of building a friendship.  It means getting to know a person without the pressure and responsibility of a relationship.  All of my lasting, if ultimately unsuccessful, relationships have started out that way.

Another oddity among my emotions is that…I am certain it will work out.  In time.  I can see beyond the finish line and the joys that await.  And undoubtedly the challenges that will be there too.  There’s no question in my heart that she is mine, and I am hers.  And one thing that I learned last week is that she and I have always had similar feelings.  She may not be able to see romance with me now.  But she has said those exact words before (yay for saved chat logs).  She’ll come around.

In the mean time, I’ll just be all that I can be.  Or just be.  I’m no longer worried.

Posted in: Drink Of Anguish, Stormy Weather, lionheart by PrimeraEspada /