DarkJoy

I’m amazed at how history is repeating itself.  According to my own writing (as previously mentioned), my state of mind now is exactly as it was back in September.  And so is hers.  I’m stunned, broken, and unable to see what is to come next.  She’s overwhelmed with anxiety and wants only friendship.  And again, we crashed head first into each other trying ignite our flame.

Going further into my past for a minute, I was always at some point in a relationship able to see with near clairvoyant ability where things were heading.  With E., it took some time to really feel out what our ultimate end was to going to be.  For years I hovered in between happily ever after and not written in the stars.  After certain events, certain not so minor disappointments, I sensed that we just weren’t right for each other.  Our bond was healthy, but not quite inspired.  I never got to a point where I felt comfortable talking about a future.  Nor was I ever able to visualize us building a life together.  I took that last point as a sign that she was not the one for me, and I not the one for her.  The relationship eventually dissolved.

Before E., there was Vixen.  Our first coming together was back in high school, between grade ten and eleven.  Another short and overly intense union that ended in confusion.  We lost touch for a few years and reconnected in university.  At that time she was in a long term relationship, but that did little to stop us from flirting inappropriately with one another.  After coming dangerously close to an affair, we pulled away from each other.  She went her way and I went mine, our goal being to leave past feelings buried.  Nearly a year later that effort proved to be futile.  We didn’t sleep together until she broke up with her then boyfriend, but all the time we spent together up until that point was tainted in infidelity.  It must have been obvious to everyone but us that we were playing a dangerous game.  Just before she ended her relationship of three years, I had again pulled away from her.  I felt that we were not meant to be together then, and that we should wait to pursue whatever existed between us when we were both single.

Days later she told me that she was now single. When I asked her why she decided to leave her boyfriend, she said she didn’t want regret missing the opportunity we had.  And so we dated for six months.  It was heavy.  Not only did we spend a lot of our time outside classes together, in the library or at the school bar, but we also had four out of six classes together.  And two projects that we decided to group up for.  Though we’d known each other for a long time (over eight years, on and off), that was just a little too much to demand so early in a relationship.  Not to mention the fact that her ex was doing his best to paint a negative picture of me.  Between the excessive course load, the games of her ex, the drama between her and my then closest friends, and at some points my harsh and controlling behavior towards her, our union collapsed on itself.  I can still remember quite clearly that last conversation we had in my mom’s car, in a parking lot near her grandparents house, where we used to have sex.  A parking lot that is oddly enough, right next to where I now work.  After all the drama of our time together, she just couldn’t see the kind of future I seemed to want.

I knew then that I was never going to be close to her again.  That was it, that was all the stars had written for us.  We were almost doomed from the start, but we were always drawn to one another, over and over, until we met our final end.  After that, she went back to her ex for few months, then broke up.  And then she dated a good friend of mine for three years (a friend that I had confided in several times about how broken up I’d been about my relationship with her).  She’s now happily married to someone who seems to be good for her.  Though I had eventually moved on and started dating other girls, the feelings I had for Vixen remained in my heart for years.  It wasn’t until after my time with E. that I felt I had truly let go.  I have never experienced the kind of feelings I had for Vixen with anyone else.

And then Jane came along.

Posted in: Drink Of Anguish by PrimeraEspada /