DarkJoy

At last, understanding.   At last, my submission is complete.  The voices that once existed in my head are now silent.  Gone.  The Hand of Fate loosens its grip around my neck.  At last, I am calm.

I sit up in the darkness, mind and body rested, renewed.  With my own ego defeated, I am no longer in my own way.  The sound of the universe speaking is no longer muffled by my pride.  I can hear her words, guiding me.  Now, it may be truly possible to experience life.

—–

This past friday, I made a choice to do something different.  For some time, I’ve had the desire to go out to a bar at the end of the week for a drink.  Under what is considered normal circumstances, this kind of thing requires a partner or a group.  Somewhat unfortunately for me, my closest friends in the world no longer live in my city.  And for one reason or another, I have fallen out of sync with the friends that do live here.  So, in keeping with my recent embrace of solitude, I decided to venture out to a bar alone.

I got dressed as I normally would when going out, and went to the bar just around the corner from my apartment.  As I walked down my quiet residential street towards the noisy intersection, I questioned myself with every step.  I was, however, determined to see this through.

I arrived around 10:15, and it was pretty empty.  I sat at the bar somewhat apart from other customers, but in a seat that allowed me to see the entrance and the street.  At worst, this would be a night of people watching and of funny commentary to myself. In my nervous isolation, I resorted to texting an old friend while I nursed my first pint.  Meanwhile, a pair on the opposite side of the bar repeatedly bought a round of shooters for the people nearest to them, which I later realised were a separate party.

A strong gin & tonic, and another half pint consumed, I look at my watch.  It’s almost midnight.  The crowd hasn’t changed much, save for a few couples who’ve come and gone. I considered going home at this point, but eventually decided to stick it out.  After fiddling with my phone a little, I look up and see someone who I instantly knew would change the course of the night.

A girl who I recognised from work, L., sat directly across from me. She had come in with 2 guys who, one who turned out to be her cousin and roommate, and the other a friend from university.  She also seemed to know the staff at the bar as they all took turns greeting her.  And lastly, the bartender who’d been serving me all night took a seat next to her and greeted her with a peck on the lips.  I’d heard that L. was single from an older, female coworker who seems bent on getting me hooked up.  But perhaps she was mistaken.

L. eventually looked my way, with a look that would make any man stumble.  She then looked away quickly.  I smiled to myself at this point.  It seems she wasn’t ready to acknowledge me, but I had a lot of beer left and had no intention of leaving just as things were starting to get interesting.  A few moments later L. greeted me, and invited me over.  She introduced me to her 2 companions, and then we talked briefly about how surprising it was to see one another at that location.  It turns out that we live within a block of each other.

In between discussions with her friends, L. tells me that I am often the topic of conversation between some of the women at work.  I laugh, embarrassed.  After both her companions have gone, we begin to talk more intimately.  We both reveal that we’ve had an eye on the other for quite some time, and that our haphazard encounters in the hall on the way to the bathroom have been somewhat of a highlight.

The conversation then took a turn that is not suitable for minors.  But, almost as quickly as things began to heat up, she slammed on the breaks.  As much as she wanted to indulge in a night of passion, there were many things to consider.  Dating a coworker can always be risky, no matter how little interaction actually takes place between the two in the workplace.  If we were going to engage in office romance, it would probably be best to discuss it with a clear head first.  There was also the issue of the bartender, with whom she had already decided to end things.  After much not-so-subtle teasing, I decided to leave her to her business and go home with an I.O.U in hand. We’ll just have to see what the coming work week will bring.

My plan for a rebirth has started to bear fruit, it seems.  It is likely not a coincidence that on the first I decide to venture out alone, my courage is rewarded generously.  Had things gone differently, had I gone home without any significant encounter, I would not have the same level of confidence I do now, and it may have taken me a while to attempt this sort of thing again.

With the lesson learned, the next step, it seems, is to familiarize myself with my new Way.  Before attempting to walk along this new walk of life, I will first need to understand the new rules of this very old game.

Posted in: dark rants by PrimeraEspada /