My Reality…Is Mine Alone. May 11, 2010 at 10:03 am
In writing my last entry, I’ve discovered another major piece of my love addiction, possibly the biggest source. I now realize that I’ve been trying to make up for the sins of my father toward women. I’ve also realized that it is an impossible burden to carry, nor should I have taken it upon myself to balance the Universe in this way. I’ve been a coward, unwilling until now, to live my love life as my own, and instead making decisions based on the actions of another, actions from a time I can’t even remember.
My mother doesn’t often tell me stories of things my father did when they were married, but when she does, she always prefaces it by saying that I should not hold it against him. For whatever reason, she still wants me to build a relationship with him, something that I sincerely have no desire to do. There is no hate in my heart towards him, but there is no love either. He is an almost-stranger that I never quite got to know, and trying to do so now would not make me feel any more complete. Hearing some of his past antics only turns me further away from wanting to know him. Perhaps I am biased against him, but I know deep down that I will never be able to relate to him. My mom may have forgiven him, but I can’t. I would not forgive anyone for that kind of careless and mean spirited behavior. Hmm…writing those words makes me wonder if I would be as righteous had I not had such a perfect example of just how deep the selfishness of one can wound another. Maybe not…but that doesn’t matter. I choose to believe that I would have the same sense of justice (though I would maybe not react as strongly) if my father were a person I could model myself after.
Now it has become clear that my choices in love must be based on what I feel is right for me. There is no way to undo the past, and certainly no way to undo the misdeeds of another. All I can do, all I should do, is live according to my own beliefs, evaluating each new scenario on it’s own and not against a ghost from years gone. In saying this, I do realize that overall, not much will change, in the sense that I feel that I do have a good baseline to work with. What will change, what has already begun to change, is my approach, my way of interacting with women. I now know that it is possible to be a nice guy, and still be interesting. And even better, I have a pretty good idea of how to trigger that all important emotion: attraction.
The brainwashing of our Wonder Year’s culture has come undone. Thank you, Kevin Arnold, for your perfect display of how not to get the girl. Taking your inaction and inner angst as a guide of things not to do, I can now continue on the road to becoming a man. To becoming my own man.
This was great. Inspirational. It seems like you’ve realized that whether or not it was in the ‘conventional’ way, you have been modeling yourself after your father–to be anything but him. I’m very happy for you that you’re going to start this new journey into becoming the man you want to be.
I am also trying to shed my previous experiences, biases, and models to become the woman I want to be. This, apparently, is a lifelong process. I am reluctant to accept this. I have to remind myself to be patient. I have to try new things. I have to talk and be around people who are learning to know their true selves too. I must be unafraid to cater in this vulnerability, this emptiness, this feeling of being a blank canvass, and slowly start the paint the picture of the purely true Lisa Loveless.
Bon Voyage xo.
Really appreciate your feedback. You hit the nail on the head. Reading your words triggered a few memories of times where i’ve said or thought those exact words. I don’t want to be anything like him. Until now I’d forgotten that. And as a result, i’d lost a bit of control over myself.
Now a new journey begins, the one you’ve described. It must be met with an open and unafraid mind. Already, I feel much more positive, on a level much deeper than before. I’ll see you on the road.